The Secret Mrs Carson
by Rocks-my-socks
Summary: AU. Based off season 3 and some spoilers so be warned. During an argument about the Bransons, Elsie breaks down in tears in front of Charles. Though they soon recoil, she remains distant from him. Something else is wrong. He just doesn't know what.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Charles, Elsie and Downton Abbey are not mine.

**Author Note:** This plot sprung out of last night's episode and the upcoming spoilers for Elsie, re: her ill health. This is an AU though. The title probably gives a clue to why. It should be done within the week, short and sweet with a happy ending, though with angst along the way. I can't speak for how accurate the medical side of the story will be as it's based off limited internet research.

**Revised: 19/09/12**

**The Secret Mrs Carson: Chapter 1**

The only thing that surprised Charles about Elsie coming to his pantry that night was the fact that it had taken so long. He knew she was going too as soon as Branson had left the hall. The fact was she did most nights. But he had a feeling he was in for a telling off that evening.

"Well, I do hope you are proud of yourself after tonight's performance," the housekeeper said to him, her accent thick with annoyance.

"I am willing to account for my conduct, in a court of law if needs must."

"There is no need to be so dramatic. But there is a need for a change of attitude. The way you treated Mr Branson tonight was appalling."

"Mr Branson," the butler scoffed.

"Yes – _Mr Branson_. He is part of your adored Crawley family now so you had better get used to that."

"He is a chauffeur, and much better than he ought to be."

"For heaven's sake, that is not for you to say. man."

Even in the midst of the argument, the butler could not help but think how beautiful his bonny Scottish lass was. She was passionate and highly strung and beautiful and his...

"It is Lady Sybil's choice."

"It is not the way things should be done."

"Something you know _all_ about."

The silence that fell between the two of them was thick was accusations. Neither of had made the choice to keep their marriage secret. It had just kind of happened. They both knew that a marriage between a housekeeper and a butler was unusual. And so it had seemed best to silently agree on the matter.

Who's business was it really anyway?

Yet, if he thought for a moment that any husband of hers was going to be allowed to be hypocritical and get away with it, then he had another thing coming.

Looking at him sitting behind his desk, she did not understand why he was blurred for just a moment. Nor did she completely comprehend why something was cool on her cheek.

Covering her hands with her face, she clocked on.

"Elsie, it is nothing to cry over," Charles insisted as he got up, walked around to her and attempt to embrace her, only to be shrugged off.

That in itself was not very like her. Not very like her at all.

"Elsie?"

This was not going to be helping matters she thought to herself. If he believed this Branson business was causing her to break down, it would only give the butler another reason to hate Lady Sybil's husband.

The two of them should not be fighting either. Not at a time like this. Yes, she had gone to London to help Anna with Mr Bates' mother's house. But there had been another reason that only the housemaid knew so far.

It had been four weeks since she and her husband had snuck off... to be man and wife for a while. And it was likely to be a lot longer now.

She was glad Dr Clarkson was going to be able to perform the operation but the thought of another man looking at what only Charles had the right to see horrified her... She knew it was medical and that it was nothing more between her and the doctor. And she knew she had to endure the procedure to be well again... if she did not... But she was so embarrassed.

How would Charles feel about her if he knew? The two of them loved each other. Very much. Passionately, both emotionally and given half the chance, physically.

But at times he was rather hard to read. And she was secure about him... or she thought she had been.

"My dear?"

A lump in her breast.

And now, a lump in her throat.

"I will not have you behaving like a fool to that boy, he worked hard and he fell in love. He is just the same as you."

"We are very much different, I would have you know," Charles retorted, indignant once more.

"Because you fell in love with a woman who is not better than she ought to be."

_I need you, you silly old fool. I need you to hold me; I need you to worry about me. I need to feel you care more for me than for anything upstairs. _

A look of puzzlement came over his face.

"Elsie, you're being... I... you know how I feel."

"Oh, just let me be, and treat Mr Branson with some respect," she said as she opened the pantry door and went to her sitting room leaving her bewildered husband behind her, wondering what was wrong.

XXX

"May we talk? Is it convenient?" Having knocked on his wife's door, Charles entered the bedroom. A long, lonely night had passed since his wife had come to him in his office.

The butler had considered going to her the night before but when all was said and done, he did not think it was a good idea. After all the years the two of them had spent together, he flattered himself that he could read her pretty well. And when she had fled from him the night before, he had known to let her be. When she was upset there was no talking to her. And even if they two of them were by law man and wife, he knew she still valued her space.

And so he had let her be until he was sure he could get to her room without being seen, not that it mattered if he was. Somehow, he had a feeling most people thought he and his dearest were beyond impropriety. But they weren't.

"Not really," She said to him bluntly as she tied her belt, keys rattling as she did so. "I have got to go and check the linen for the weekend."

"What for the wedding? Surely that should have been done by now." A thoughtless remark, but he realised too late he could not take it back. He only wanted everything to be perfect for his Lady Mary...

"It may have escaped your notice but I have been in London for the past two weeks."

"Of course it did not escape my notice. How could I fail to remember when every day I missed you... very much."

Silence fell between the two of them, the like of which he had never known. He was almost overcome with longings to hold her.

Turning at last to look at him, Elsie sighed. There he was. _Her_ Charles. The Charles who made it acceptable to be called Mrs Hughes all day – as long as she could be Mrs Carson by night.

It struck her then this was the first time the two of them had had one another to themselves since her return. The previous night encounter did not count.

"What's wrong, my darling?" he asked. The way she looked at him tore at his soul. He did not know how or what or why – but it struck him his wife had a lot of pain inside of her just then. And this had nothing to do with the Branson's.

The voice of reason deep inside told her to trust him, that as her husband he had a right to know she was ill. He certainly did as her employer and her equal.

He might be a pompous old fool at times, but she knew him. And she knew his heart would break if he believed she was suffering and could not put a stop to it. As he came towards her, she let him do what she would in no way allow the night before. As he took her hands in his, she leant forward until their foreheads were kissing. Their lips met too.

"Whatever it is," he said to her gently. "You can tell me."

But she was unable to find the words.

"It's nothing – except the stress of the wedding. I will be fine when it is all done," she said as she shut herself back off from him. "I have to get on, Charles."

Leaving her room, she walked down the hall way and on to duty, leaving her husband completely on edge. Whatever it was... it was more than the stress of the wedding. He knew it.

XXX

It was in the end not her husband who Elsie broke down in front of, but Beryl Patmore. The red headed cook had seen Elsie getting more and more stressed in the week that followed the wedding. She had thought once it was out of the way then Mrs Hughes would return to her old self. But she didn't. It was as if she was so pressurized there was no way she could release the burden she was carrying.

In the end though, all the housekeeper needed to do was break a plate – but as it shattered, so did she.

Elsie vaguely remembered everyone being ordered out of the kitchen by the cook before she had sat her down, held her hand and made her tell her everything.

Which she did. The only interruption came from Anna, who had hurried in on hearing what had happened.

"Have you a date for the operation yet?" the young lady's maid asked as she sat down with her superiors and drank the last of the pot of tea.

"Next week. Mr Clarkson said it is better to get it done sooner than later."

"And have you asked her ladyship for the time off?"

"No need. Her and his lordship are taking Lady Edith to London once her ladyships mother has gone."

"But you are going to be laid up for a while."

"Not if I can help it. They won't even know."

If she did not admit to herself how serious it was, then it was not as serious as everyone was making it out to be was it?

"And Mr Carson?"

Elsie shook her head as tears filled her eyes once more. She kept telling herself he did not have to know. But they were man and wife. The bond between them was sacred to her. And even if she did not tell him then he was going to know the next night one of them snuck into the others room afterwards...

He was her husband. And she loved him. But she didn't wish to worry him. Or be a burden.

"Oh Mrs Hughes."

As tears slide down her face, she contemplated what was to come. And even though she knew she would want to know if it was the other way round and would be furious if he did not come to her and allow her to kiss and comfort him, she realized, she just couldn't go to him.

She didn't have the strength to tell him.

XXX

The night before the Crawley's departed for London, Elsie crept down to the men's corridor. Two weeks of awkward silences and brief caresses had to end. She had to draw from Charles what strength she could. She had to have her fill of him before he left.

When Carson heard the gentle rap on the door, he knew who it was. Only one person ever knocked so lightly on his door this late at night.

The door opened, and his wife appeared in her dressing gown with her greying hair loss about her shoulders.

"May I come in?" she asked so softly that he knew she had not come to argue but to cuddle.

"Of course," he said as he opened the blanket which had already been covering him and put his book to one side. As soon as he had budged over to one side of his bed, the space was filled by the body of his wife.

Charles shivered as her feet touched his.

"Sorry, they're cold."

"It doesn't matter. As long as they are in my bed, they can be twenty degree minus," he told her as she settled down, putting her head on his shoulder. "I wasn't expecting you."

It was not a complaint. The sudden flood of affection she was clearly feeling was very much needed. After six months of unending love, almost a month of sleeping alone had torn at his heart.

For the first time in weeks, she dared to look in his eyes. She was almost unconscious of the fact her fingers were tracing his cheek bones, memorising every wrinkle, every bump in his skin.

"Sorry. Charles, I'm so sorry that – that I left you alone."

"Don't be. No doubt I was rather insufferable."

"Never. Not my darling." She said as she kissed him.

What if they never got another night together, she wondered. _What if this was it?_

"It was you – you made the real happiness of my life, you know that, don't you?" she reminded him as she buried her face in his pyjamas and took in that familiar scent which was such a comfort.

"Elsie?" the panic in his voice was audible. He knew her better than she gave him credit.

And then, in the littlest voice he had ever heard her use, she told the truth. "I don't want you to leave me. I don't want you to go."

"Never. I never will."

But it was too late – and very much as he had heard she had when she had been with Mrs Patmore and Anna in the kitchen, she sobbed into him.

"Elsie, sweetheart?"

Holding her to him, Charles made nonsense noises to hush his wife, kissed her and rocked her. He called her his darling, told her that she was beautiful and that there could never have been another soul to twin his own.

But none of it seemed to make any difference.

He wanted to know what was wrong. But by the time she had calmed down enough to tell him, she was so drowsy that he could not bear to rouse her. All he could do was continue to hold her to his chest, cradling the only women who had ever opened the romantic soul of the old fool that was himself.

He kissed her forehead and promised himself they would talk about whatever was bothering her before she left to get ready in the morning.

But when he awoke, she was already gone.

XXX

Back in her own room, Elsie sat in front of her mirror, the only luxury in an otherwise Spartan room. She did not like what she saw. A tired old women. Six months before she had felt as if she was in the spring of her life once more. But the ache in her breast seemed to indicate the end was near.

In front of her was a piece of paper and a pen was in her hands.

What was she to write? How could she possibly...

XXX

Charles did not see Elsie that morning until it was almost too late.

Having put his coat on, he was directing the last of the luggage into the car when his wife came out of the front door of the Abbey. Butler and housekeeper alike knew that the master of the house, his wife and their final unmarried daughter would come out to get in the car any moment.

But it did not seem to matter much.

"You weren't there when I woke up," Charles complained. "Nor were you at breakfast."

"Sorry, my love." Elsie said sincerely. "Things to do."

"How are you today?"

"Recovered. You must forgive last night. It was a silly moment, please forget it," she brushed it off as she allowed him to reach out for her hand.

"Not at all. I wish I could stay..." he couldn't find the words. "The night I get back, I would gladly take a walk with you round the rose garden."

"Well – that promise will keep me going."

Charles glanced round, before raising her hand to his lips. His eyes said what he did not.

Reaching into her pocket, she pulled out an envelope.

It was simply inscribe, _My Charles_.

"Read it later. Not now."

"Ready Carson?"

The bubble burst.

"Yes, my lord. Mrs Hughes, telephone if there are any troubles. _Any at all_," Mr Carson said to his colleague pointedly.

"There won't be. Have a good time in London, my ladies," she said as the two Crawley ladies got into car with their father and husband.

As Charles got into the front of the automobile, it was his own wife he could not stop watching.

"Goodbye," the Scotswomen sighed.

As they drove down the drive, Charles turned his attention to the envelope in his hands. Opening it, he sighed.

In Elsie's elegant hand, there were just a few words.

_Thank you for showing me another way. I will always be your loving Elsie._

The car disappeared from sight and the housekeeper collapsed to the ground sobbing. It had been a lovely interlude in a life time of isolation.

But it was over.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Revised: 19/09/2012**

**The Secret Mrs Carson: Chapter 2**

John had not been pleased to see Anna that day. It had been his hope that she would have gone to France with Lady Mary and Mister Matthew. But when she explained that he was not the only reason he had stayed behind, he softened.

"How serious is it?"

"The operation is life saving from what I gather... or it should be."

"When is it?" asked John.

"Tomorrow at the village hospital."

"And so you and Mrs Patmore will be left in charge."

"Yes," Anna nodded.

"Is it not odd that Mr Carson has not been called back?"

"We wanted to call him – but Mrs Hughes insists that he does not need worrying."

"He'll have to find out sometime."

"That's what Mrs Patmore and I keep saying, but she insists he is not to be disturbed."

XXX

"Now, I have left instructions on my desk for what needs doing and when over the coming week," Elsie said to Mrs Patmore, Anna and to her surprise, Daisy that evening. Ever since the little kitchen maid had found out she was to be going into hospital she had been quite – not clingy, but concerned for the health of her employer. She and Mrs Patmore both knew that the girls own mother had been good for nothing. But perhaps she had underestimated how much Daisy had come to feel for both her replacements. "You can, of course, visit me if you have problems."

"You'll see all three of us. Every day. Till you're better."

The truth was, with every day that passed, Elsie felt more despondent over her chances. The good doctor had been honest with her, as honest as he could be. And she knew what she was going for was classed as major surgery, and that one in however many women recovered – the rest did not. But she had no reason to dampen the girl's spirits.

"And here is a letter for Mr Carson – it explains a few things, should he feel the need for an explanation," Elsie told the cook, as she handed it over to the cook.

"I wish you'd let me telephone for him to come back," Anna insisted. "Even if it were just for our sake."

"I can manage, thank you very much," Mrs Patmore insisted, shooting the housemaid with an indignant look.

Daisy watched a smile play on Mrs Hughes lips.

"Mrs Patmore is right. Mr Carson is exactly where he is most needed. We must cope on our own, ladies."

"And so we shall," declared Mrs Patmore.

Anna nodded. "What time are you going to the hospital?"

"At seven tomorrow morning."

"I'll be up to walk down with you."

"No need - I am afraid I'm taking frightful liberties with every one away. Pratt is going to drive me in."

It was not a frightful liberty though and they were all capable of seeing what was before their eyes. When she had first been diagnosed, none of them had thought she had the appearance of a sick woman. But just over the last few days, it had been as if she had surrendered in some way, and giving herself over to the illness. Her skin seemed whiter than ever, and she moved slower. She kept having to stop to catch her breath.

"Well, I'm still coming to sit with you until the operation. It's not as if I have any work to do with Lady Mary and Lady Edith away."

"Thank you, Anna. That is much appreciated."

XXX

Once that she had packed her bag and settled everything for the morning, Elsie Carson took the well trod route through the house to the men's quarters. She was so glad she was the keeper of the keys at Downton, for if she was not, then she would have been denied the small comfort she was allowing herself that night.

Arriving in Charles' room, she shut the door, removed her slippers and climbed into bed, having replaced her night robe for his. Carson, the perfect butler,** never **remembered his night robe when he went to London and Elsie did not know how many times she had teased him over it. It hung on the door when he was packing, and typically when he left the room it remained hidden. She did not think she had ever been so glad of it.

Nerves, fear and pain would rack her throughout the night. But sleeping in a robe and sheets that smelled so familiar would ally that fear just a little. If she shut her mind and used her imagination enough, she was not on her own.

"_Oh Charles, I love you so_." And then as an afterthought. "_Forgive me_."

XXX

Charles Carson shifted on his feet as he stood in the breakfast room at Grantham house. On the back of his neck, he could feel the spring time sun through the window as he watched Lady Edith and her father have breakfast.

His face was as ever impenetrable – to all who did not know him very well. He was sure his wife or his Lady Mary would know, see the despair in his eyes. Only if they were there with him then he would not be in despair. But they were both so very absent from his life – Elsie more so than Lady Mary, even though he had seen her more recently.

He could not shake the feeling he should be with her at Downton. She was a very capable women but it was going to be a long time until the memory of the way she had clung to him that final night before he had left for London faded. A very long time indeed. She had always been so very independent – and suddenly she had been so vulnerable. She had been so small in his arms.

He could not get her off of his mind. Well, in and of itself that was not new. But now he wondered constantly what she was doing and if she was all together well. In the four days he had been away, he had written three letters to get only one in reply. She was not as attentive to him as she was usually. She had always been the most faithful of correspondents. And it frightened him.

He was too long in the tooth to believe she had fallen out of love with him or that in some way he had lost her affection. But neither of them was as young as they had been.

He wanted to go home and be with her. He wanted to hold her in his arms - for his own sake as much as hers. He just wanted to know she was well.

But he could not.

"Carson, are you quite alright?"

The Earl of Grantham had just asked his butler was what in the diary for the day and for the first time – well, ever – it had seemed to Robert that the butler was far, far away. His mind was at least.

"Yes – yes, sorry milord."

XXX

Anna was, as ever, as good as her word. As horrible as it was, she thought it did her some good to remember that she was not the only one in the world who had troubles. By seven thirty, she and Mrs Hughes had had arrived at the hospital and Elsie was changing into a night gown once more.

Before the two of them had left for the hospital, she had done her hair, rather simply so that it would not bother her or the good doctor. She had not been able to do anything about the bags under her eyes though.

The ache inside of her would soon be out – but it was something deeper that was really sore.

In her hand, she held a simple gold ring, which normally remained hidden in a beautiful antique jewellery box in her room. It was far too precious to wear every day. Sliding it on to her finger now though, she prayed no one would make her take it off.

If she – if the operation was not a success, her own little world would know that she had been, if only for a time, Elsie Carson. Surely Charles would ensure that she – she was given the honour she was due as his wife.

Returning to the room where the housemaid sat, the housekeeper sat got back on the bed.

"I know this is a stupid question... But are you ok, Mrs Hughes?"

_Hughes. Hughes. Hughes._

"Yes. Yes I'm fine."

Mrs Carson was having a little bit of a harder time with it all though.

It was written all over her face.

Anna had never felt protective over her as she did then. And when Dr Clarkson came to take her down to theatre, she could see Mrs Hughes pull her night gown tighter round herself. It was so clear she did not want him to see what he was inevitably going to have to that day. She knew she was being foolish.

But she was a married woman. And it had been hard enough when she and Charles had at last...

Yet she just had to be pragmatic over this.

It occurred to Anna that while she had John, Mrs Hughes probably had not had a man's hand on her for many a year. Taking her hand, Anna gave her a reassuring smile.

She was a dear girl. But Elsie would do anything, anything if she could swap her for husband in that moment.

"Tell... Anna... Tell Mr Carson, if I don't survive – just tell him I'm sorry. Will you do that?" tears leaked on to her cheek. She was holding so much in.

Anna nodded as she fought her own tears.

A deep breathe.

"Very well. I'm fine. I'm ready."

Doctor Clarkson nodded and his team prepared the housekeeper for her surgery – and then took her down.

XXX

"She looked – oh, I will never forget the look on her face," Anna muttered as she drunk the tea that Mrs Patmore had seen fit to lace with whiskey.

"It is an ordeal for her."

"Yes, it is. I just – I couldn't seem to comfort her."

"No. She is a proud woman Mrs Hughes is. I doubt there is anything any one could have done."

Daisy sniffed from where she stood, making Anna some porridge.

"Did they say when it was going to be over?"

"Only that they would call for us to go to her when she was ready."

"Very good."

Silence. They were all lost in their own thoughts for a moment, before Anna had to share what was on her mind. It felt almost a betrayal of Mrs Hughes' trust. But she had a niggling doubt.

"Before she went down – she said if things didn't go her way, I was to tell Mr Carson she said sorry."

"She should have sent for him."

"But it was – it was like it was more than that. I can't explain." Anna bit her lip. "It was – the way she spoke... it was the way I'd speak if I knew John I were going to be separated forever."

Mrs Patmore burst out laughing for just a moment. "Mrs Hughes and Mr Carson?" the cook was thoughtful for just another moment as Daisy looked at her with wide eyes.

"I guess there is only one way to find out."

With that remark, Mrs Patmore got up and went into Mr Carson's pantry, returning with an envelope in her hands. "You can't read the letter she left for him! What if I'm wrong? What if-"

"You're right? We'll put it in a fresh envelope if you're wrong. There's nothing much strange in her leaving an unmarked envelope on his desk when it is his office. But if there is more to it, if that's why she has been so instant that he not return – well, there is nothing to stop us calling him back now is there? And if we are wrong, then I'm sure reading about when the linens need doing won't scandalise us too much. "

And with that, she took a step into the unknown and opened the envelope which was addressed to the butler. Deep within her, Beryl knew this was a gamble. In fact, she was not quite sure if she could be sacked for what she was doing or not. If Carson found out and was angry with her... No matter.

Not if it paid off.

The two girls sat tight as she read the letter and watched her face transform.

"Anna, ring Grantham House. Carson must come home, before it's too late. He has that right."

"Why?"

"Because they are married. That's why..."

XXX

"Well, will you get him to call Downton as soon as he returns?" Anna asked exasperated, glad she did not have to work under Mrs George, the housekeeper at Grantham House. "The very moment. Yes. Thank you. Goodbye."

Sighing in frustration as she put the phone down, she shook her head and went back into the kitchen. "He has been given some time off and he has gone out for the afternoon, no one's knows where and he might not be back till dinner."

"That could be over six hours – right, new plan, Daisy: are you ready for a trip to London?"

"Me, Mrs Patmore?" she said as a smile spread over her features, her misery for a moment forgotten.

"Yes. Really one of us should go anyway. The news your wife is on an operating table is not the sort you should get on the phone anyway. Go and get your coat."

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	3. Chapter 3

**Author Note:** Thanks for reviewing everyone – and I hope you really enjoy this chapter. I had so much fun with it – four words: Daisy to the rescue!

**The Secret Mrs Carson: Chapter 3**

Arriving at Victoria Station: Daisy was the first person to admit how lost she felt. This was her very first trip to London – and she was suddenly struck by what a folly sending her had been. She should have stayed at home and Mrs. Patmore should have sent Anna. She had been to London with the family when the girls had been doing their seasons. She had been there with Mr Hughes as well. Anna knew more of the city. She had a vague memory she had gone with Mr Bates too once but she could be wrong. Plus, she was sure Anna could give Mr. Carson the news his wife was ill a lot more gently and sensibly than she was going to be able too.

But, of course, there was no way on earth that Anna would have left Mrs. Hughes – Mrs. Carson - at the moment (the kitchen maid was still getting used to the idea that the butler and the housekeeper were married). She felt she had to be there for her when she woke up. Daisy had an idea she was going to go back to the hospital even before Clarkson rang for her.

But she had to put that out of her mind. For now, all she had to worry about was finding her way to Grosvenor's Square.

"Oh bother," she said as she looked about her, trying to find a sign that said something helpful, along the lines of 'this way to Grantham House.'

But there was not a single one.

And then she remembered why she was there and what she doing. This was not about the fact she was a country bumpkin. It was about the fact Downton's housekeeper was fighting for her life and she needed the man she loved at her side.

_Think Daisy._

All she needed was someone to point her on her way. And then she might follow her nose. She was a Yorkshire lass, after all.

Once a station worker had pointed her in the right direction, she headed off with a determined look in her eye. Yet as she came out of the station into the busy London Street, she heard a vaguely familiar voice.

"We can go back in the summer when the plumbing is sorted. Darling, please don't let this put a dampener on the past few weeks. They had been so very lovely."

"I wouldn't allow that. They have..." and then the women's voice, responding to the man's, went so quiet Daisy could not hear her response. Yet she had heard enough.

Daisy did not think there was ever going to be a day when she could put into words how much easier this made her life.

_Thank you god!_

"Lady Mary," she said as she spun around to the rather surprised new bride who stood by her rather handsome husband, even if Daisy think so herself. "Mr Matthew!"

"Daisy?" asked Lady Mary, a little unsure of the kitchen maids name.

The skinny girl nodded.

"Did you come to London with Lord and Lady Grantham?"

"No – I just came down this morning. I had to change at Kings Cross and everything to get the train here. It was so exciting!"

Mary smiled indulgently, the well travelled young lady that she was. Still, she remained a little bemused. "So what are you doing here?"

Her face fell as she remembered. _Focus Daisy._

"Trying to find Mr Carson. We rang but he had gone out."

"And you could not wait to speak to him at Downton till he returned?" Matthew asked as Daisy solemnly shook her head.

"It's more complicated than that."

"How so?" Mary asked, ever worried about anything that involved her faithful and beloved protector.

"Mrs Hughes," Daisy begun as her voice strained a little. She had so little to do with the Crawley family that now the conversation had turned rather serious, she felt uncomfortable talking to Lady Mary. "She – she isn't well. Not at all."

"Carson shall be saddened."

"It's even more than that. You see, she didn't want him called back, but Mrs Patmore took charge and read the letter because Anna had thought there was something more to Mrs. Hughes' being upset when they went to the hospital this morning. She said something about Mr Bates: I think she is missing him very much. Anna that is – not Mrs Hughes. Any way, they left early this morning in the car. It's not the Mrs Hughes was taking liberties, it's just she couldn't have done the walk even if she tried and she wouldn't call Mr Carson back, even though it's pretty obvious now to all of us that she wanted him home."

"Daisy," said Mary exasperated and trying to get some thread of the rather jumbled narrative. "One sentence: tell me why it is so vital Carson returns."

Daisy didn't know if she was doing right – what if Carson lost his position? It was not her place to say! It was then she heard Mrs. Patmore's voice in her head.

_Forget his position, fool girl. Consider him losing his wife!_

"They're married. Mr Carson and Mrs Hughes and really Mr and Mrs Carson. And she is in hospital and she is very sick. She needs him home. Sorry, milady. That's more than one sentence."

Marys hand flew to her mouth as she tried to take in what she had been told. "It doesn't matter. Every one of them was necessary. Right, come on," Mary said with just as much determination as Daisy and twice as much knowledge of the geography of the city. "Let's go find Carson."

XXX

Robert and Cora could not decide who they were more surprised to see at Grantham House that day: Matthew, Mary or Daisy. They questioned their daughter and son in law over why they were there, panicking for a moment that they had fought. But Mary reassured them.

The villa they had been staying in had had some plumbing issues which rendered it inhabitable and though they had the choice of a B and B or some other accommodation, they had decided with the money trouble at Downton, it was better to return and then go away for a second honeymoon when they could afford it and thus enjoy it more.

Mary coyly told her mother they had got done what they needed to anyway.

Daisy's explanation for turning up though was more cagey. No matter for the housemaid though. Mary dealt with her parents for her.

"Did Carson really give you no indication to where he was going?" asked Mary once she had given an even briefer description of what Daisy had told her than the original.

"He was very distracted this morning and so we thought it was for the best if he took the time he needed to do," Robert explained to the housemaid and his daughter. "What is going on?"

"Mrs. Hughes is very unwell," Mary revealed. She was not sure what to tell her father – how much he should know. She was very good at keeping secrets. And she had loyalty her to Carson to consider.

"I am very sorry to hear that. How bad is it?"

"Bad enough for her to need her friends around her. Now think: if Carson was out of sorts, where would he go for comfort?"

Cora and Robert were both thoughtful for a moment, as were Matthew and Mary – but it was Daisy who came up with an answer first.

"The mall – to see the palace. He loves the king. He'd go to the mall."

Mary's eyes went wide in agreement. "Daisy, I have a feeling no one gives you enough credit."

"If you can tell that to Mrs Patmore that on our return, I would be most grateful."

The two shared a smile.

"Matthew, darling, have some tea and ask Thomas and Miss O'Brien to ensure the two of us have enough easy clothes for the next few days. Anna will be at Downton, but I don't want any fuss. And be ready to drive us home within the next two hours," Mary instructed. "Come Daisy, let's get the car round. We're off to Buckingham Palace."

XXX

Charles Carson had followed his feet wherever they had taken him – straight to where the girls had thought he would go.

He had to say he had been a bit ashamed when Lord Grantham had felt he needed a little time out. He regarded it as unprofessional and professional was the one thing he had always, always been. It had been his rock to cling too.

And now...

Well, he did feel as if he needed something to cling to, whatever it was. Normally, he would find that in his wife but she remained shut off from him as well as being hundreds of miles away. He had practically raced to meet the post man that day. And he had had no joy.

Coming to a standstill before the palace, he was glad he had put his gloves on. The day had begun bright but it had been deceiving. Not only was it still cold but now it was going over cast. He did not think he would be much surprised if it rained before the end of the day.

The last thing his wife would ever let him do if she was there with him was to wallow in self pity. She had no sympathy with that. He was able to hear her soft Scottish tones in his mind, telling him he was being a silly old beggar and that all would be well.

"Elsie," he sighed miserably, as if she would hear his voice and come to tease him. To cheer him up.

Why didn't he just go? Go to Kings Cross now, buy some flowers, get on a train and be back in time to enjoy a meal with his sweetheart before they retired to bed as man and wife? What was stopping him?

Yet that question seemed foolish in and of itself to him. He knew what was stopping him for it stood right before him.

Duty. That was what the monarchy and the palace represented to him. Being given a job and having to do it whether you liked it or not, uncomplainingly. No matter the personal cost and no matter how much your heart ached at the end of the day. He had said he was going to be butler for the Grantham's until he died. And so he would.

Vaguely, he was aware of a presence beside him to his right – and then his left.

But his misery did not lift.

"Do you know what always amazes me about this building? The curtains – they never ever look very clean."

"They are not like the windows at home, milady."

It took just a moment for Carson to realize he knew both of those voices. And neither one of them should be in London at that moment.

Once that he had regained himself, he kept his voice calm. "Lady Mary, why are you not in the south of France? And why are you not at Downton, Daisy?"

"She has my permission to be in London, Carson," Mary jumped it.

"Why? Lady Mary, this is most irregular."

"I know. We both know it is. But Daisy here has been sent on a mercy mission by Mrs Patmore. Come, let the three of us go and find a bench to sit on," Mary said with great authority as she took control and pulled rank over her father's employees. "We will explain everything, wont we?"

"Yes, milady," Daisy nodded.

The butler had very little choice in the manner.

Once that they had done so, Mary and Daisy took a seat either side of Carson. He could feel the nervous tension which was coming off both of the girls.

"What is it?"

Lady Mary felt as if she should continue, but Daisy turned to him first. Mary realised that it was time for the girl to take the lead. She had been the one sent to him. She should be the one to tell him.

Taking the opened envelope out of her bag, Daisy begun to shake with nerves. What if he was angry with Mrs Patmore? She had put her own note in with Mrs Hug – Carson's, but...

"Mr Carson," Daisy begun, telling herself to keep steady and slow. _Just explain things gently and simply,_ that was what Anna's advice to her had been. "Mrs Hughes isn't very well."

"I – I saw her four days ago. She was fine – a little," Charles stopped talking. He had known she wasn't fine. Mary took his hand for support. His horrified face was all the proof she would ever need that a secret wedding had taken place.

"She's in hospital. She went in this morning and left this letter for you – she said it would explain things if you were confused."

And that, he very much was. "But that letter has been opened – did you-"

"No, Mr Carson, Mrs Patmore did. She put a note in too. Please just read. I dunno how much time we have, but I do know we have none for fighting among ourselves."

Daisy's eyes widened just as much as his did at the end of her statement. She did not think she had ever taken that tone with him, nor was she ever likely to again. Her eyes diverted to the floor.

"Daisy is right. Read the letters."

"You are both impudent in your own ways. I hope you know that."

"Yes Mr Carson," Daisy agreed quickly, not wishing to try his patience.

Mary shrugged. "Why, thank you."

Carson grimaced, but turned his attention to the two letters he had removed from the envelope.

The small, scruffy hand writing of the Cook caught his eye first and so he pulled it out – plus, he felt nervous about reading Elsie's letter. In hospital? How? Why? Why had he not been informed, why did she have to go in, why wasn't he at her side? Why?

_Mr Carson,_

_I opened Mrs Hughes' letter to you when Anna brought it to my attention that the poor lady was even more uncomfortable than we already thought she was. I am not ashamed, I will not apologize: I feel no guilt whatsoever. _

_Mr Carson, I have sent Daisy with this message so that you would have someone who understood the situation with you. You have my sympathy and I will go to church this afternoon to pray that you and Mrs Carson may be granted the strength to get through this ordeal._

_You are very much needed in Yorkshire._

_Written in friendship and concern._

_Mrs B. Patmore._

"She knows. Do you know?" he asked turning to Daisy.

She was a fool, but not fool enough to deny she understood what he was talking about.

"Lady Mary does as well," Daisy nodded.

"Very well," Carson nodded as he looked back at the palace for a moment, feeling sick as he contemplated the contents of his wife's letter. But he wouldn't know unless he read it. Not for sure.

"I'm here with you," Mary reminded him, squeezing his arm comfortingly.

"And selfishly, I am glad of it, my lady."

Shivering involuntarily, he unfolded his wife's letter to him and begun to read.

_Darling Charles,_

_Two mornings ago, I sat at my desk and with all my might I tried write this letter. I failed. All I could summon from my pen were those two rather feeble sentences I gave you to read on the train. They did not convey my true meaning, or the depth of my love for you, though perhaps after reading this, nothing will be able to convince you of that anyway. _

_When I went to London with Anna, I found a lump, Charles – in my breast._

"Oh god," Carson muttered involuntarily as he understood so much more about her in that one instance. Wiping away the tears which had sprung it to his eyes, he realised he would never know how hard it was for her to write this letter.

Fear spread throughout his body.

_She came to the hospital with me and we prayed it would be something of nothing. But it was not – and it has to be removed. The operation will take place in two days time, with Doctor Clarkson performing it. Yet the procedure he will perform is new and the chances of my survival are not all together promising._

_Please believe me when I write I have tried to tell you, I have, my love. I always believed that there was no problem to great for us to deal with, as long as we remained united. It is my fault, entirely, that we are separated now. I beg you not to reproach yourself – we both know my behaviour has been erratic of late to say the least. But none of the blame can be attached to you. You were right to go: darling, I told you too. _

_Equally, I plead that you believe in my continued love for you, whether I am by your side or not. Charles, I didn't tell you, not because I don't love or trust you. But because I could not bear to hurt you – I wanted to protect you from this. It just turns out I can't._

_Remember the days we spent in Margate this summer just past, my love. Remember when we were alone at night (I blush when I do!). Remember that ridiculous tandem we hired for the day. _

_Forget the last month, the past two weeks since my return – but never how much I love you. You have made me so happy – I hope, husband, I have done the same for you._

_I am, till the very end, your very loving Elsie Carson. _

'_I'm half crazy over the love of you.'_

Carson read over the letter three times before he could take in anything of what was written on it. He could only take away the gist of it as it was.

"She wrote this two days ago. Why have I only just got it now?"

"She left it on your desk," Daisy explained.

"So I'd find it on return if – oh Elsie, what were you thinking?" he grumbled allowed. "You say she went into hospital this morning Daisy?"

"Yes, Mr Carson."

"And when you left was there any word on her condition?"

"It were too soon – she were still in theatre."

"Ok – she hasn't... she isn't... Daisy, what I'm trying to say...ask is..."

"She's alive, as far as I know."

Charles took a deep breath. "Good – good, thank god."

"Please," the little kitchen maid begged. "Come home with me today."

"Of course I'm coming home with you, silly girl."

Mary cleared her throat. "She is many things, Carson, but I do not believe she is silly," she said gently and somehow sympathetically. She did not mean to reproach him. Yet she had a new found respect for the young girl who she felt compelled to protect for some reason. Maybe it was because she was about Sybil's age.

"No – perhaps you are quite right, milady. Sorry, Daisy. Now let us go. I have to tell your father everything, Lady Mary. I've no idea how he is going to take it – and then I have to make for Yorkshire with great haste," he said as he got up. The girls followed him.

"Well, we have got the car here now to take us back to Grantham House," Mary fell into step beside him. "We shall go and pick up Matthew and then we will go home, the four of us together. He'll drive. And we can ring for news of Mrs Carson before we leave."

"I just hope we're in time."

"We will be."

In the end, five people were in the car as Matthew drove away from Grantham House. The Earl of Grantham did not quite understand all that had been going on downstairs – but he did know his butler had wed his housekeeper. Between them and Anna and Bates, he was beginning to wonder if Mrs Patmore was really Mrs Patmore at all. Who had she snuck off to marry?

Nevertheless, he had felt compelled to go back with the others, to support the man who had always supported him, through the thin and the thick of life. The two of them would no doubt talk about what had really been going on later. All that mattered what that Mr Carson got home. Robert looked back into the cab of the car, having elected to ride up front with Matthew to allow Charles a little more comfort. Carson had of course protested, but Robert insisted protocol be put aside for the day and he had relented. The butler was flanked by the girls. Mary held his hand and continued to be the pillar of strength she had been for him throughout the day.

As for Daisy, she had been overcome by emotion and exhaustion after her train ride. Leaning her head on the butlers shoulder, she had fallen asleep about an hour after they had set off. Carson made no attempt to rouse her, but placed a paternal, grateful kiss on her forehead.

Young Mrs Mason had done well that day. Very well. He only prayed that as she faced her own task, Mrs Carson had the same luck and strength that Daisy had shown.

_Please review!_


	4. Chapter 4

**The Secret Mrs Carson: Chapter 4**

Anna had been sitting by Mrs Hughes side for over an hour and a half when she finally heard groggy moan from her. The time had gone by so slowly – but the reward was worth it.

By Anna's reckoning, the operation itself could not have started until gone eight o'clock that morning, possibly half past. Mrs Hughes had not come back up stairs until gone four and the day had been agonising, for them all. Anna had been so worried the entire time. She had felt as if any moment they could all tip over into the black hole.

The housekeeper was pale and clearly exhausted as she came round from the sedative...

"Anna?" if a pin had been dropping at the same time, she was sure she would have missed her speaking.

"I'm here, Mrs Hughes."

"Is it over?"

"Yes. It is."

"And was it successful?"

"From what Dr Clarkson said."

"Thank god," the patient sighed as she allowed her heavy eye lids to close.

It took her all of five minutes to drift back off into a very deep sleep. She was silent, apart from the occasional grown of pain and the only audible word she whispered as she lingered in her state of semi conciseness: 'Charles.'

XXX

"Mary and I will go in with Carson tonight, Matthew. If you can take Daisy home and settle back in that would be a great help," Robert told his son in law.

"Of course."

Daisy turned to Mr Carson about to protest at being sent away when she had done so much for them that day, but silenced herself before she begun. He did not need to hear her moaning.

Nevertheless, Carson had seen the look on her face. Her silence spoke volumes of her maturity though. Once he had shut the door of the car, he looked back in. Daisy leant forward and gave him a small smile.

"Tell Mrs Carson, I'll be in to see her tomorrow if she is well enough. I'll say a pray before bed too."

"You did very well today, young lady. Thank you for everything," he nodded. "Now go and tell Mrs Patmore all about your adventure and then get some sleep. I fear its back to reality for you tomorrow, my girl."

"Yes Mr Carson."

With the Earl of Grantham, his daughter and Carson out the car, Matthew Crawley Esquire turned the engine back on. Looking in the mirror, he was struck by Daisy's wide smile. For the next ten minutes as they drove home, she felt as if, just for once, she was queen of the county – after all, it was everyday a kitchen maid was chauffeur driven by the heir to the Earl of Grantham.

She remembered how she had felt when she had set off that day – rather scared, timid and nervous. And heart sick over poor Mrs Carson. But she had a feeling that everything would be ok. After all, the last thing Mr Carson would permit was his wife's death.

Perhaps everything would be fine after all.

As they drove up in front of the house, Matthew stopped. It probably made more sense just to drive Daisy straight to the garages but he had seen her expression and was willing to play along. After the day she had had, she needed some fun.

Opening her door after getting out the car himself, he gave her his hand. "My Lady."

XXX

Charles Carson arrived at eight o'clock at the hospital. All in all, it had been a long day already – not that he was willing to acknowledge that yet. After all, it was far from over.

As he walked down the corridor, ahead of his lord and lady, he looked round the doors to try and find his wife.

_Where are you darling?_

Turning into a new corridor, he finally felt his heart settle, for ahead of him, he saw Anna Bates and Doctor Clarkson.

Upon hearing the footsteps, they stopped talking.

"Thank god – Daisy did it!" Anna expressed her joy as Carson came up to the doctor and removed his hat.

"How is Mrs Carson?" he asked, all but ignoring the lady's maid.

Dr Clarkson smiled. "So the rumours are true."

"Entirely – now can somehow please tell me how and where my wife is?"

"Mrs Carson is much better than she was this morning and the operation, for now, seems to have been a success."

"Thank god," The Earl of Grantham spoke for them all – but Charles felt caught up on one word.

"_Seems_?" he asked.

"Mr Carson, come to my office. I can explain things in private there," Clarkson told him, conscious that the Crawley's were listening. He had a mind to the dignity of his patient, but he had no qualms about explaining things to her husband.

Charles hesitated. His natural instinct was to go straight to his wife's side. But he had to know what they were up against.

"Anna, Mary and I will sit with Mrs. Hughes," said Robert, realising that it was going to be quite some time before he got use to using his house keepers married name. If it offered Carson some comfort to think she was not on her own, that was something the otherwise powerless earl could do. "Just until you can come."

"With all due respect, my lord," Clarkson begun. "I do not mind either of the young ladies going in, but given the nature of the surgery Mrs Carson has under gone, I really think her husband should be the first man to go into the room asides myself – and only then others when she feels the time is right."

"Of course, sorry." He had not even considered that side of things. "Then the girls can go in," Robert nodded, as he spied a chair. "And I shall wait here for you all."

"My lord, thank you very much for everything today," Carson said through a thick throat. He had been worried that Lord Grantham was going to feel as if he had betrayed his trust. Yet if Grantham did feel that way, then he was not showing it.

"Go on Carson," Robert nodded.

Within three minutes, the butler was sat down in Clarkson's office, his coat removed and his face set grim.

"Mr Carson, as you know, I operated on your wife this morning. She had a lump in her breast which was malignant and had it been left as it was, would have almost certainly have lead to her death."

Carson nodded, going cold as the doctor spoke of his wife's potential death. If he was alive when the real thing came to pass... it did not bare thinking about.

"And it was a success? The operation?"

"As far as we can say at this stage, yes. When she has regained her strength, Mrs Carson will need to return so we can check things are progressing nicely. You must understand, while she has been out of the operating room four hours, things are still very unsettled."

"Of course they are. Doctor Clarkson, Mrs Carson has felt rather – embarrassed, by her condition, I think. As such, she shared very little of it with me... when did she become ill?"

"She was referred to us from Guys in London, having found the lump when she was visiting. I assumed she was there with the family."

"No, she was aiding a friend in need," Carson shook his head. "Presuming things have gone as well as we hope, how will things go forward?"

"Well, I anticipate that she will remain here between one or two weeks. She will then need bed rest and quiet for another six to eight weeks. She is in for a pretty rough time of it; I am not going to lie. We have given her pain killers but they will only work so far."

"And after, say, three months has past?"

"You're wife_ should _be as well as she ever has been."

"Thank you," for now, that was all he needed to know.

"Mr Carson, I should prepare you however, for when you go into see your wife. Due to the invasive nature of the surgery, her right breast has been left quite misshapen. Once the swelling goes down, it will not be painful for her – yet she will always be, for want of a better word, rather uneven."

Carson nodded. He did not think his wife had ever been a vain women but he knew she was going to struggle with the after effect on her body. He'd help her through it, but it did not matter to him much. "As long as she is healthy, I don't care."

"Very well. Have you any other questions?"

Carson shook his head. "I am almost sure that I will have tomorrow. But it has been a difficult day and – and my head is spinning. Please may I..." he said as he rose.

"Of course."

And with that, Carson was out of the office and retracing his steps. Walking past the Earl of Grantham, he gave a tense smile but said nothing. He did not know what to say. There were no words.

Also, there was far too much going on in his head for him to be coherent.

Pausing outside of his wife's door for just a moment, he shut his eyes and relived the past few weeks. His wife had said he was not to blame himself for leaving her but how could he not? He should have seen it coming... All the tears and the distance, all the lonely nights and the stressed out days.

He knew her better than that. And yet he had left her alone.

Whether or not she would allow him to take the blame, he had to shoulder his own part in his own head at least. And it weight on his conscience.

Finally summoning the courage to opened the door, he walked into his wife's sick room.

The first thing he noted was Anna and Lady Mary standing at the end of the bed together in quietly conference. The chair beside it was empty.

As soon as he looked at the two girls, they took the hint.

"We'll be just outside with papa," Mary told Carson gently as she brushed past him and squeezed his arm, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Thanks you, milady."

It was not until the door had shut behind him that he at last allowed himself to look at his wife.

His dear, darling wife.

Against his will, tears streaked down his face at the sight of her and there was nothing he could do to stop them. He had been holding his emotions back all day – but as ever, he could only be himself when he was alone with his Elsie. And he had had to be strong throughout the rest of the day. Yet a voice told him, he had never had to be as strong as he had to be then.

Taking his position in the empty seat, he took his wife's hand by instinct. Had it really only been four days? Because it felt as if a life time has passed since he had seen the most beloved face in the world.

"Oh, you're cold, angel," he said as he encased her hand in his and then begun massaging it, trying to put warmth back into her icy finger tips.

She was cold and he anxiously begun looking about for another blanket. He was pretty sure she was already under about three and there was a fire burning not so far away – but it was not enough.

He had been about go out in to the corridor to ask for a nurse, but when he tried to put her hand down, the action was resisted.

Turning back to the bed, he failed once more to hold his tears back as he looked into the beautiful eyes of his wife. It occurred to him how amazing their love was, because even though the bags under her eyes were prominent, to him, they only made her beautiful brown eyes shine even more to him.

Cupping her cheek, he pushed a gentle, lingering kiss to her forehead, stroking her hair as he did so. Pulling back, he looked down on her and swallowed hard.

"Oh Charles," she whispered. "I'm so sorry... so very sorry..."

"Hush woman."

But she went on as if he had not spoken. "So glad... so glad you're here." A tear rolled out of her eye, ran down her cheek before it dripped on to the pillow.

His poor wife looked as exhausted as he felt – and with a much better reason.

"Where else would I be, my darling?" he asked shaking his head.

"I'm not well."

"It's a little late for that now," Charles almost chuckled as he brushed away more of her tears with a clumsy, shaking hand. His wife continued to grasp at his other hand weakly.

"I love you."

"And I love you too – more than ever before."

"I haven't lost you?"

He shook his head. "Why would even think that? It takes more than this to put me off. Elsie, you beautiful, beautiful woman..."

"But I'm not, am I? Not anymore," her quiet voice broke.

"Hush," Charles said more firmly than before. "I will not have you speak like that, nor tire yourself out. Sweetheart, we're together and we will get you well again."

She nodded.

"I'm here now. I promise, I'll never leave you again – and I mean it this time. I'm here," he repeated as he kissed her.

Sitting back down, he pulled the chair closer to the edge of the bed so that she could hold on to him, wrapping her hand round the back of his neck. It seemed a very awkward attitude to him, but if it brought her comfort, he wouldn't stop her. Laying his head on the pillow by her side, he kissed her lips and continued to plant kisses all of to her face till she had calmed.

"Your letter was lovely by the way... parts of it anyway," he told her, in a slightly mournful tone.

"I left it on the desk. You were only meant to get it if..."

"I know. You were going to remove it if you got home before me, weren't you?"

She nodded - and he could see even that small action seem to cause his poor darling pain. "How comes you've read it?"

"That's a rather complicated, but from what I gather, interesting story. Even I don't know all the details yet. I shall let Daisy tell it to you when you're feeling better."

"Daisy?"

"Oh, yes. She had quite the adventure today."

"That sounds dangerous."

He chuckled as he stroked her hair. "Do you know what got stuck in my head on the way here though?"

"I think I can have a guess," she gave him a sleepy smile.

Leaning close to her he first begun to hum gently, before quietly singing to her:

'_Elsie, Elsie give me your heart to do  
I'm half crazy, hopeful in love with you  
It won't be a stylish marriage  
I can't afford the carriage  
But you look sweet upon the street  
On a bicycle built for two'_

_Please review! _

Author Note: Thank you all for reviewing! I really appreciate it. I hope you guys enjoyed the reunion. You can look forward to more Nurse Charles in chapter 5!


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Secret Mrs. Carson**

"Is there any news from the hospital?" asked Anna as she came into the servant's hall to see Daisy and Mrs. Patmore serving up breakfast for the early risers, which was practically the entire household staff.

As for herself, she had to get upstairs to see to Lady Mary soon enough. Though perhaps not too soon.

"Mr Carson has been back and gone again. Mrs Hughes slept until about three but then she got uncomfortable and couldn't get back to sleep," Mrs Patmore said sympathetically.

"Well, we knew it was not going to be very easy for her," Anna sighed as she sat down but it was clear she felt for the housekeeper.

"I don't know how easy it is going to be on him either – and he has got to be careful of his own health if he is going to be any good to her – remember how he got in the war?"

The house maid nodded. She had to agree that was the last state he needed to get himself in to. They were going to have to be careful of that for him as she felt sure he was not going to care for himself at such a time. "How did he look today?" Anna asked.

Mrs Patmore shrugged. "As if he had been up at his wife's bedside all night and had to rush back to her."

X X X

Elsie shifted in her bed as sweat poured down her forehead. She felt so very, very tired and all she wanted to do was sleep properly. She had dozed off – but it was not enough.

She had heard Charles say he was going to return to her but she had barely noticed he had gone before he was back.

"Did you get any rest, love?" he said to her on his return, kissing her forehead as a way of greeting.

She shook her head as tears came to her eyes and he gave her a sympathetic smile. "It's ok, my dear – "

But it was very far from ok and he knew it. She was more exhausted than he had ever seen her before. And the more tired she got the less she felt as if she was able to cope with the situation.

"I feel hot," she told him as she took a deep breath.

"Doctor Clarkson said you might well be a little feverish after all you have been through lately," he admitted.

Eager to ensure her comfort in all possible ways, he went in search of a nurse and returned only once he had a bowl of cool water and a cloth with him.

"We'll have you cooled down in no time at all, darling," he said as he sat gently on the edge of her bed. "Don't you worry about that."

Having rolled up his shirt sleeves, he dipped the cloth in the water and rung it out before applying it to her forehead.

Her face radiated how grateful she was. "I can't believe I thought I could get through this without you."

"Me neither, but let's put those thoughts to one side. Sleep if you can," he encouraged as she let her eye lids drop.

Between ten and twelve, Charles was sure Elsie got a little rest. He stayed by her side, devoted in his vigil, only breaking it when nature called or Doctor Clarkson came to see them.

When she awoke after midday, she was very much as she had been that morning – if anything though, he had to admit she was a little worse, especially after she had had her pain killers. They dulled her pain but seemed to confuse her. It was far too early for them to be seeing signs of any real improvement. But Charles had not thought to see her so disorientated.

"Charles, is Mr Porter going to be angry that the two of us have been away from work for so long?"

_Considering that he has not been butler at Downton for well over thirty five years I do not think so my love..._

"No darling, he knows we are busy and he understands," he said indulging her rather than contradicting her when she was so clearly confused.

And so it continued throughout the day, Elsie in and out of conciseness and in and out of understanding where she was.

As four o'clock came round, Charles remained where he had been throughout the day with no intention of moving.

He had been running through his mind all the hours he had spent with her before and after they had got married.

He recalled that sweet little Scottish lass who had met a rather ambition second footman. How the two of them had reached the stage they had together and how they had always been part of one another life, or so it seemed now. All the time, when they had been in competition with others, they had tried to give a leg up to the other.

Charles and Elsie had wanted to see the other do well before they had been in love, even though he was not sure if he was able to pin point the moment when the two of them had stopped being friends and crossed over into something new. The two of them had had a very slow burning romance and it occurred to him that was why he had been so very in love with her: when she had finally given up and confessed his emotions were not one side. Had the two of them united any earlier than it would not have been as wonderful as it had been.

Charles had been butler before she had been made housekeeper of course, though she was head housemaid at that point, already taking on many responsibilities. Not that she had needed it, but when the position of housekeeper had come up, he had been the first to champion her.

The two of them knew one another. Though their views and beliefs did not correspond one hundred percent of the time, they were both professional enough to see past the argument and work well together.

He was very much looking forward to the day already when he was able to go and enjoy a wine with her in her sitting room at the end of the day or when she came to him for a sherry. And the day when the two of them could take that walk in the rose garden that he had promised her before he had gone to London.

He knew those days were going to come as he would have lost her already if he was going to. She had had the strength to come through the operation then she had the strength to survive the aftermath of it.

He knew she did.

A knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts and he raised his head out of his hands to sere Mrs. Patmore there with Anna and Daisy. He had been expecting them some time during the day. Mrs Patmore had reassured him that morning that they were not going to stay for long but they just wanted to walk down to see how they were.

"Can we come in?" asked Beryl and Charles gave a nod.

Anna had had a good idea of what to expect after the day before and she had tried to prepare Daisy but she did not know how much of a good job she had done from the look on the girl's face, when she walked in to the room.

She had of course had some preparedness for this. She had been the one who had married William on his death bed after all.

But this was the first time she had ever seen someone who she looked up to so ill. After all she had not gone to London when Mrs. Patmore had her cataract. She had not been so close to any of them then either.

It was clear she felt rather uncomfortable on entering the room.

And thus she stayed at the back behind the others.

"How is she doing today?" asked Anna.

"She has had a rough day – she is in a lot of pain or she is as high of a kite. We have not managed to find the right balance yet," he admitted to them.

"Poor dear. This stage must feel as if it is going on forever," Mrs. Patmore said with genuine sympathy. "I know it did when my younger sister Jenny got ill – but she got better. And it seems as if it was nothing more than a bad dream now."

"Well, I am looking forward to that," Charles sighed. Only he did not hear how tire he was.

Ever aware of his wife, he saw her twitch and her eyes open up. The first thing she did was reach for his hand.

"Hello darling," he smiled.

He had not realised how relieved he was going to feel when he no longer had to hide the fact he was very much in love with her. He, like her, had always been of the opinion it did not matter if others knew because it was none of their business.

But now he could show his affection – it felt so good.

And he was so proud she was his wife.

"You have some visitors."

She looked at the three women and gave a smile. "I understand it is thanks to you Daisy that Mr. Carson is here with me," She said to the kitchen maid.

The girl nodded as she realised she had to step forward. "It is up to all three of us," she said eager as she was to make sure she did not take too much of the credit, as ever.

"Thank you."

Daisy nodded. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Better for having Charles here," she admitted as she grimaced.

She was, of course, bandaged up and she had a gown on but Charles was intensely aware of the fact that their colleagues were adjusting to the way she looked now.

"Anna – Anna," she said as that name seem to trouble her.

"Mrs Hughes, is something the matter?"

"Yes – yes, Charles I meant to tell you," she said as she turned to her husband.

"What is it?"

"Anna, she came to see me early – she told me you have to keep an eye on Thomas," she sighed.

"Don't be worrying over that fool now," he scowled, unable to hide the contempt he felt for Mr Barrow.

"No but Charles, you don't understand – he is bullying William. The poor lad is so home sick that I don't want him run off because he is going to be good at his job."

Mrs Patmore put an arm about Daisy as she saw her stiffen at the name of her husband. "Don't worry, my lamb, she is just a little confused at the moment," the cook said quietly.

"I can see that, Mrs Patmore."

"Well then," Charles sighed through a thick throat once more. "When I go home tonight I will tell Thomas to lay off him."

They all knew that by later on, Elsie would have returned to 1920 (with any luck) and her husband would be going nowhere until the worse was over.

The three servants how found themselves walking back up to the house sooner than they had thought they would. All of them had hoped she would be on better form and thus they might extend their visit and have a little time with Mrs Carson.

But it wasn't to be.

"He is so devoted to her though, ent he?" Daisy commented as they passed the big house and walked on to the servant's entrance, smiling only as she flashed back to the day before when she had been Lady Mary for a second.

"That he is," Beryl nodded.

"And if it wasn't for all this, none of us would know they were married – still!" Anna pointed out.

The three were all in a strange mood when they returned to the house.

Thank god, they had at least got to see Mrs. Carson. And she was alive, and did not seem like to die now. They had to count their blessings for that.

But it had not been the joyful reunion they had been hoping for and whether the girl said a lot or not, Mrs. Patmore knew Daisy had been upset by the mention of William. She did not blame Mrs. Hughes, of course she didn't. How could she? But it had been a long time since any one had spoken about him as if he was there with them all and it was bound to have an effect.

Once that Beryl had put her cap and cooking dress back on, she tied her apron and strolled back into her own kingdom and she found comfort in there, as she was sure Daisy was going to find comfort in cooking that night and Anna would enjoy brushing out Lady Mary's hair.

They had to keep doing the normal things and they had to try and keep the house running without the butler being disturbed.

And she had to say, she rather enjoyed having the chance to prove she was very much able to cope – but she would have enjoyed it far more under different circumstances.

XXX

"Mrs Patmore is going to do a stew for us tonight and there is only going to be two courses. I hope neither of you mind," Mary said as she breezed into the library to find her husband and father together.

"Considering the reason we came back up here, I don't think we can reasonably complain about the food not being up to scratch. Mrs Patmore is under a lot of pressure as well no doubt," Robert sympathised. His daughter confirmed this.

"The servants are all doing their very best under the circumstances."

"Well then – stew it is!" Robert nodded as he stroked Isis who had seen fit to put her heads into his lap.

"Is there any more news?" Matthew asked.

"Anna said Mrs. Hughes was quite disorientated this afternoon."

"She has only been out of surgery for a day – she must be allowed time to gather her strength."

"I quite agree. I am going to take a walk to the hospital after dinner," she said to the two men.

"We'll both come with you."

Mary felt guilty somewhat but she did not know who she was really going to see. Of course, she cared for Mrs. Hughes and she prayed to the god she had come to have faith in during the war that she made a swift recovery. But there was no good in denying to herself she wanted to check on the butler for herself.

From what Anna said they were already concerned about him ignoring his own health. And she was not going to have that.

The night was clear and cool as the three Crawleys left the house on their walk to the hospital. Mary was glad to spend a moment with the two of them as they thought of something other than the crisis that had for the moment taking over their lives. As ever when the two were together, the earl and heir were making plans for the estate – which were of course limited until they could find a way to finance it - but it gave her hope for the future of her childhood home.

Following the route they had to the hospital room where Mrs. Hughe shad been the day before Robert, Mary and Matthew were stopped short in their tracks as a nurse left the room carrying a bowl with a lid on it – yet it did not disguise the stench of the vomit.

Looking through the crack in the door they saw Mrs Hughes, exhausted and fed up as she sat on the edge of the bed leaning into her husband's chest as he wrapped his arm with great tenderness about her.

Every now and again they saw Carson kiss her forehead and rub her back soothingly.

"Let's get you lying back down, darling," he said to her at last.

Robert tugged gently on Mary's coat and caught Matthew's eye.

It was clearly not a good time.

They'd come back another day.

Please review!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Though there were some who could not enjoy it at Downton for obvious reasons, it never the less warmed the heart of Anna Bates to see the spring sun high in the sky, four days after the operation had taken place. Everyone seemed to be silently thinking it has saved the life of Mrs. Hughes – but not one of them dared to say it allowed yet.

"Anna, have you got anything pressing to do this lunch time?" asked Lady Mary as she sat up in bed with her breakfast tray, married women that she was.

"Well, I know Mrs. Patmore wants me to help her go through the store cupboard but if there is something you wanted me for, my lady," She said with a shrug. It had been odd she had thought that the cook had asked her. but downstairs, boundaries had frayed and they were all mucking in when they were needed.

"Yes, I am afraid there is Anna. We need to ensure Mr. Carson gets a bit of fresh air today I think, so I need you to sit with Mrs. Hughes while I get him out of the hospital for a an hour or so."

"I think if today is anything like yesterday that is going to be an easier job," she said with a smile.

Mary had not worried so much about Mrs. Hughes the night before because when Mrs Patmore, Daisy and Anna had been down to see the Carson's, they had seen for the first time, a genuine smile of Mrs Hughes face.

She was still uncomfortable and Anna feared she was in a lot of pain. But that was because she had chosen to come off of the pain killers. When she had come to enough to realise how much they were confusing her and that she could bare the pain if she had too, then that was what she had chosen to do.

And so it had not exactly been a happy Mrs. Hughes who they had seen the day before but it had been one who was more able to cope with the situation than she had been.

"Well, I do so hope that is the case, Anna – really, I do."

"I am sure it is going to be."

Anna nodded as she left, and went downstairs, knowing she had to get Lady Edith's clothes in the washing. The day before, Edith and her mother had got back from London having shut up Grantham house and arrived home to a slightly more peaceful house to what it had been when the Earl, Mary and Matthew had returned.

XXX

Elsie smiled as she looked over at her sleeping husband in the chair next to her. It was her fifth day in hospital and she was by no means a well woman – but she was beginning to feel a little more like herself and for the first time since she had woken up, she felt restless.

She was sure if she got back to Downton Abbey, she might feel better.

Not that she wanted to be back at work. But she did miss her own room.

Yet she found a little peace in seeing her husband sleep. For days, all she had seen was creases in his face as he worried and fussed about her - but he looked so restful then, though she had to admit a little uncomfortable, as he was bunched up.

He looked like such a little boy when he slept - that was something she had often thought. It was as if whatever he was dreaming just swept away his cares and allowed him to be free of the worries of the day.

"If only for a moment."

A nurse came to the room and opened one of the curtains but Elsie was anxious that her husband should sleep on and indicated the other should stay shut.

"How do feel today Mrs. Carson?"

She looked thoughtful for just a moment and then she smiled. "Hungry, if I'm honest."

That was the first day in a long time she had felt hunger.

Ever since London if she was honest.

Looking down at her body she was aware she had lost a lot of weight – but a bowl of porridge with some honey drizzled on top would be her own little piece of heaven right then.

A few minutes after the nurse had left the room she heard Charles yawn as he awoke, stretching.

"Morning, my love."

"Good morning," he said as he got up to kiss her cheek. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better."

"Good," he said as he observed her, eager to see any little change. Well, she did have a bit more colour in her cheeks. But she was not lying back comfortably.

Taking his hand she shut her eyes, allowing for him to have some quiet as he woke up, she tried to relax. It was pleasant for him, not to see the pain written all over her face. But he knew it was in her.

The two of them begun the morning with a cup of tea together, and she ate a few spoon full's of the porridge she was brought in. She had so wanted it when she had asked for some but when it was placed before her, she felt her stomach turn.

"Walk before you run," her husband advised as he saw her try to eat as much as she could and then push it away from her.

"I so wanted it when they brought it to me."

"I know – but you will be eating fine again soon."

She smiled and nodded appreciatively. "I long to go home."

"I know – but Clarkson said it is going to be at least Wednesday before you can leave."

"I know," she nodded.

The two of them sat in the companionable silence which had so far seen them through the majority of her illness, holding hands and yawning their way through the morning.

They were not again disturbed until ten o'clock when Doctor Clarkson came to see them. He had a friendly look on his face but as soon as Elsie saw him she knew he had come to do something she might not especially like.

"Mrs Carson, how do you feel today?"

It occurred to her if she did not tell the whole truth then he might let her be but it the end that was not going to help.

"A little brighter than I have been."

"Well that is good news," he said before he looked at her gently. "Mrs. Carson, I think it is time I got about to changing those bandages."

The thought of any one touching her chest seemed horrific to Elsie. She had had enough of all that to last her a life time.

But it had to be done. The good lord knew the last thing she needed was an infection of some kind.

Yet... she knew two things only – one it was going to hurt, and two she knew what ever was left under there, she was going to be embarrassed.

And for the first time since he had come back to her side, she did not know if she wanted Charles in the room with her. That emotion however only lasted until he gave her a soft smile that said they were in it together though.

She realised that she didn't have to ask him to stay if that was what she wanted – the thought of leaving clearly hadn't crossed his mind. He was going to stay true to his promise.

And even though the part of her that wanted Charles to desire her as long as they both lived, the logical part of her said they were going to have to get it over with sooner or later – he'd_ have _to see eventually – and having Clarkson do what he had to would be easier if she was not on her own.

More than anything, she did not remember ever feeling as close to her husband as she had done those past few days ever before.

"Mr Carson," said the doctor as a nurse came in, smiling politely. "If you would like to wait outside."

"He wouldn't," Elsie spoke for him. "And neither would I like him to go."

She saw the doctor go to protest and she knew it was probably not normal for the husband to stay in the room during times like these. But she wasn't letting him go.

"I am not leaving her, "Charles told him firmly.

"Very well, Mr Carson."

Crossing to the bed, Charles helped Elsie to sit up and was aware that she was instantly shaking with nerves.

"You'll be fine," he said quietly.

Carefully, he made to undo the first button on her night gown yet her hand came up to stop his. Her face was so conflicted with emotion and he would happily have punched Clarkson. That morning, had been a rare moment of peace for them. She had not been happy but she had been the nearest to it she had been in a while. Why did he have to take that away so soon?

After a pause, she nodded and removed her hand, allowing her husband to pull her gown around her to her waist.

XXX

"Daisy, stop your flirting with Alfred and come and look at this menu."

The kitchen maid shot her elder a look that spoke of displeasure as the footman rushed away.

"That wasn't strictly necessary, was it?" Daisy said wringing her hands.

"Oh, he knew already, believe me. Though he is a man..." said the cook with a shrug as she sniffed. "Any way, it is a new one, come have a look."

The kitchen maid did as she was told with a huff and was studying the receipt when Anna came into the kitchen.

"Lady Mary and I are off to the hospital now."

"Alright. Send them our best wishes. How long are you going to be?"

"Well, it could be a some time. We're going to walk as it is such a nice day and try and get Mr Carson to come back for a while."

"Take your time," Beryl nodded.

And so they did. It was a very slow walk down to the hospital for Anna and Mary, in which time the spoke less like a lady and her maid than two friends.

Mary had had precious little time in which she was able to talk about her honeymoon and she had so wanted too... it had been a wonderful time and very long in the coming. Anna had been there. She understood. Mary did not think she was ever going to be able to forget the road they she and her husband to walk to get to the point they were at the moment.

And that was something Anna could relate too as well. While she and John were not at the end of the rainbow yet, she still had her hope they were going to get there.

The two walked, by now, the well trodden path to the house keepers room.

Knocking on the day, they only entered when they were called in by Carson.

After the day before they had hoped to find Mrs. Carson with a smile on her face. But she seemed quite small in the bed that day turned towards her husband as she was as he stroked her hair – obviously trying to soothe her.

"I hope we are not interrupting – we can go if you'd prefer."

The smooth voice of Lady Mary somehow lit a fire in Elsie. While she knew she was always going to be first in her husband's heart, she knew that the aristocratic lady was always going to have a place their two. And she was not going to send her away. But she was not going to have her see her like that either.

"No not at all, Lady Mary is it good of you to come," she said with a small smile. She couldn't deny feeling a little touch to see she had a bunch of roses in her hand.

"They are from the gardens," Mary explained as she saw the housekeeper looking at them.

"Well, it is very nice to have a little bit of home with me here," she nodded. "Thank you."

"You are most welcome."

"We have also come down with messages of love, of course," Mary went on. "You are very much missed."

"I have only been gone for not even a week."

"As if that matters," Anna chipped in with a smile.

Charles nodded in agreement.

"Mama and Edith did not want to over crowd you and so they are going to come down tomorrow."

"Her ladyship must be tired after getting back from London. Has someone gone through the diary for the week with her Anna?" Elsie checked.

"Mrs Hughes, please relax!"

"Nice to know the place is not falling apart without me – I think," she said as she gave a smile to Charles.

She was glad the girls had come to distract her all of a sudden. She had not known it, but she had needed it.

The four spoke for about half an hour in polite conversation. For the first time since he had returned to her side, she saw Charles begin to worry about something other than her as his thoughts turned to Downton.

It occurred to her that he had been so focused on her he had not given a moment's thought to the running of the house and now that was changing.

As she got better, they were going to slowly get back to normal._ Slowly._

"I am afraid I have an ulterior motive," Lady Mary admitted.

"I can't imagine that," said Elsie moved softly than she meant it.

_Lady Mary having an ulterior motive? _

"I am afraid we are here to collect Carson so that he might go and have some fresh air. We want you both in full working order when you return home."

Charles went to protest, but Elsie over ruled him. For once she and Lady Mary were in agreement.

"What a wonderful idea. Charles needs to go home and have a wash as well."

"But Elsie – I don't want you to feel –"

"Hush and do as you are told for once," the patient ordered.

"Anna will stay until you're back," Mary explained.

Mrs Hughes shook her head. "No, she will not. She has got to get the changes ready for you and for Lady Edith."

"Really, Mrs Hughes, we do not have to change. The staff are under enough pressure."

"I do so hate to quote my husband, but 'standards are not going to slip' because we are away. Lady Mary, Charles, Anna, I do so appreciate what you are trying to do for me but I have not had a moment in my own in five days. A minute's peace would be welcomed."

Especially after that morning.

She could see Charles was not happy about leaving her but he had to do it at some time. "I'm not going anywhere. Have a couple of hours off, a bath and a hot dinner," Elsie stipulated. "You are not getting back in here till you have. Now be off with you."

Nodding, Charles got up. He knew that tone. "I'll see you tonight," he said as he kissed her good bye, no doubt making Mary and Anna feel awkward, but no matter.

"I love you," she said quietly as their foreheads touched.

"I love you too, darling Elsie."

XXX

Mary had hoped she was going to be able to draw the butler into some sort of conversation on the way back to the house and offer him a little comfort, but he said very little. It occurred to her that while they were all going to be able to guess the effect everything was having on him, it was only he who was living it. and somehow, there was no comfort for him.

As soon as Charles got back to the house, he did as his wife said and went for the bath. He had a quick wash but he had no time to relax – he had to get back to his wife. He put his clothes into the wash and then went to the servant's hall where he found a plate of warm food and a cup of tea waiting for him as he sat down in his chair at the head of the table.

It felt oddly comforting to be in the hard backed wooden chair at home. He felt as if he was in control of something and he had been powerless for days.

"How have things been here Mrs Patmore?" the butler asked as the cook sat by his side.

"Well, I am not going to tell you things have been running faultlessly, but we are not doing too bad. Nothing for you to worry about. How is she today?"

"Mrs Carson is tired out," he replied as he ate quickly.

"Take your time," she urged him.

"I have to get back to her," he shook his head.

Beryl did not smoother him anymore, allowing him to do and take things at his own pace. He would not thank her for giving him orders.

Once he had eaten, Charles went to Elsie's room to find the night gowns he had previous put in the wash on his way back from the hospital were clean on his wife's bed. He removed them so he could take them back to the hospital with him, so she had a change for the next couple of days.

Leaving her room he made sure he had everything they were both going to need for the coming night. Once he was sure he had done that, he had been about go back to his wife when he realised he should go and see his lordship. He had not done so in days.

And he did feel a certain kind of guilt for abandoning his post, not that it was overwhelmingly strong of course.

Walking upstairs to the library he knocked on the door and only went in when he was called.

"Carson!" Robert said, glad to see his butler at long last. "How are you?"

"Very well, my lord."

But all the earl had to do was look at him to know he was not very well. Very tired. Very worried. Very in need of a good night's sleep.

But not very well.

"And Mrs. Carson?"

"She had a very difficult morning, emotionally, my lord."

For the first time since he had been working for Lord Grantham, he felt the need to unburden himself. There were precious few people he could do that too.

The two of them were not equals. But they were both men of a certain age. That was why he had been so shut off from Lady Mary that day even if he had not meant to be – because she couldn't know how this felt. She was young, she was beautiful and she had the whole world at her feet. He was none of those things.

They were too different right now. And he would never confide his troubles to her any way.

"Sit down, Carson," Robert commanded as he saw the despair on his face. "I have a feeling you had a difficult morning too."

He did as he was told and his lord rang for tea. "My lord, this is not going to be very professional and you must forgive me but –"

For the first time ever, Robert saw tears flood in to the butler's eyes. "They took her bandages of this morning – and I have never seen her so sad and so hurt. My lord, I just wanted to protect her – but its turns out I'm not very good at that."

"I am sure no one could have done more for Mrs. Hughes of late. Carson, your name has not been mentioned here unless twined with the word devoted."

"It's not enough."

"There is not a man in England who can protect his wife from what is inside of her; you should not be too hard on yourself."

"Easy to say but hard to so. Why was it I never knew till she was in hospital that she was even ill?" he said. "I don't feel as if I have been there for her, not at all, not in the real ways. My lord, the look on her face..."

"I think Mrs Carson would have a very different view of the situation and so do I."

A silence feel between them as Carson took a drink of the tea they had been brought. He did not dare look at the Earl.

"I am sorry we went behind your back my lord, Mrs Hughes and I, when we wed."

"There is going to be a time for that discussion, but it is not now."

"You and her ladyship are not too angry with us?"

"Well, we are not advertising for a new housekeeper and butler, if that's what you mean."

Carson nodded. "Thank you, my lord."

XXX

Elsie lay on her bed, with an arm propping up her head which was banging. That morning had been very distressing and she couldn't deny it.

Allowing Charles to go was easy enough to do. She was glad people were trying to look after him, for he needed someone looking for him. Until she was back to full strength, she couldn't do it. And she did not want to risk _his_ health. She had seen it fail before and did not wish to again, especially when she was relaying on his strength so very much.

She was glad for them trying distract him, even if it wouldn't work – not for him or her. Not after that morning...

She did not want to remember what she had seen. But she kept flashing back...

Rolling over, she tried to get some sleep once she had wiped a tear off of her face. There was no good crying over it. It had to be done. Practically, it was better this way. The alternative had been no option at all.

She just couldn't stop herself giving into a moment of self pity though.

_Why me?_ And then again: why not me?

She had been giving this load and she could deal with it. Because she had to. It was that thought that kept her going.

She had a husband who she loved and who needed her. She was not about to leave him alone in the world. The two of them had many more years to enjoy...

As she drifted off to sleep, she was relieved to feel a familiar hand cup her own, and with a small smile, she feel into a dreamless sleep.

_Please review!_

Author Note: I hope Charles was not to out of character when he spoke to Robert. I just felt he needed to unload and without Bates at Downton, the earl was the only viable option. If you go on my tumblr, you will know I asked about Elsie's reading habits for this chapter – that got pushed back to chapter 7 but will be in the story. Things are set to look up from here on in.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

When Elsie had asked Charles to bring a book to read to her, the last thing in the world she had meant for him to bring was _Great Expectations_. She had known since long before the two of them were married that Charles had always been a huge fan of Charles Dickens. He was the only member of the staff that she knew of who read a Christmas Carol every December no matter what else was going on.

The only thing that did give her some comfort was he had brought her half read book, _Frankenstein_, with him too. It had been so long since she had picked up Mary Shelley that she was not very sure she could remember where she had got too. Needless to say she had not been in much of a mood to read lately.

Maybe she would pick it back up when he had gone back to Downton Abbey for the night. The previous evening was the first time she had been able to convince him she was well enough for him to go and get a good night's sleep in an actual bed since he had returned from London.

"Elsie, why are you looking at me like that?" Charles broke off as he realised she had not been listening to him for quite some time.

No, she was not listening to him.

But he could not say he minded much.

Her expression was so soft and she had such tenderness in her eyes.

"I am just remembering why I feel in love with you is all."

"And why is that?"

"Because you have the worst taste in novels ever."

"I will have you know in a hundred years time, people will still look upon Charles Dickens as one of the greatest writers ever."

"Perhaps."

"Definitely," he said and she smiled at him getting so het up over a point that did not matter. Being stubborn over things that didn't particular matter had always been one of his vices.

Closing the book carefully so he could at least pick it back up where he had left off, he sat back down.

"Can I just say you do seem more like yourself today?"

The trauma of the day before was going to take some time for Elsie to get over Charles knew but it did comfort him in a strange way that she was protesting over his taste of literary true. It seemed to him to be a definite step in the right direction.

"Oh, I am – if I am honest I just want to go home."

In spite of the fact that she had mentioned the Abbey a few times since she had been in the hospital, this was the first time he had ever heard her so ready to get out of hospital. It wasn't that she felt terrible and she wanted her own things and the safety blanket of home about her.

She was _ready and well enough_.

More than anything she thought as she looked at him, she wanted him to sleep by her side rather than on the chair next to her. She knew the bed was big enough for him to climb up and lay down beside her, but as she regained herself she realised she would not want him to do that.

After so many days of being so demonstrative of the love she had for him, she was beginning to feel ready to return to the private world of their love. She wanted intimacy – perhaps not physically for that was going to take a while for her to build towards, but emotionally. There was so much she was ready to say to him. In a dark room, with the windows open and a duvet over them both, just like that week by the coast they had had not so very long ago...

"Tomorrow is Wednesday –"

"Which Clarkson said was the earliest you were going to go home – not that you were definitively going too."

"But I feel as if I am well enough."

"I know, my darling. But if he says you are not..."

"And who do you think knows my body best? The good doctor or my good self?" she quizzed as she raised an eye brow and dared him to contradict her.

He said nothing, wisely.

XXX

"Oh, thank the lord for that," said Beryl Patmore as she looked at the butler. The news that the house keeper was to return to the Abbey the next day had been met with delight by many down stairs and by the whole of the upstairs family.

The cook was particularly thrilled. She missed her friend as well as her sparring partner.

Not that she could not cope on her own, of course.

"Oh, you must be relieved to be able to go and fetch her home," said Daisy as she made a pot of tea for the butler with a big smile on her face.

"It has been a trying time – and if she is here then I will be able to be a more efficient butler as well as a husband, so yes, I am not sorry to be 'fetching' Mrs Carson home," he said with a smile to match the kitchen maid. "Of course, she has a little way to go before she is really better."

He was nervous about it too though - not that he was going to admit it to any of them. It did seem unlikely now that something might go wrong but what if it did? And he was all she had in the middle of the night? That thought scared him.

As he took the tea off of Daisy with a nod of thank you he went into his pantry. God, it was a mess. He could not seem to remember when he had last decanted a bottle of wine or polished the silver. It seemed a long time ago.

Perhaps he would get round to it once that he had got Elsie back settled into her own bed, where he could check on her whenever he wished.

That was something that he was worried about as well. When he was at the house he felt as if he had to work for he had no excuse not to. _He_ was not unwell. But he knew what he was like when he was working. He was a man obsessed.

He had to make sure that he did not get too caught up in it.

Charles did not want to neglect her.

The butler had been about to get down to the work of sorting his desk which was littered with post when he heard a knock on the door and found himself grateful for it.

"Come in."

Anna came in through the door with a smile on her face. If there was a person in the house who needed a bit of good news it was the housemaid.

"Mr Carson, I just heard that Mrs Hughes is going to be home tomorrow. I know it does go without saying, but I am so glad she is going to be back where she belongs."

He nodded. That was really what it came down too.

"As am I. I know I have not been here a lot but the place has felt very odd without her," he sighed.

Anna nodded, still slightly surprised by how honest he was about the way he felt for her – as if he had been all along. But then she guessed he had never lied about the way he felt for his wife to himself.

"It has. Well, Mr. Carson, I had better get on," Anna sighed as she went to leave the room only to be called back.

"Have you any free time this afternoon?" the butler queried.

Anna nodded. That she did. She was surprised how considerate the Crawley's had been during this ordeal that she did not think she was wrong in saying, the whole of downstairs had been through. She was sure they had tried to keep all of their workloads as light as they could. Of course, when they did get back to normal, it was going to hard for them all as they all had a lot of ground to make up. Mrs. Hughes would not be pleased standards had dropped in her absence. But it had been necessary at the time.

As long as they got it done and kept Mrs Hughes' work load as light as they could when she got back to work that was all that mattered in the long run.

Carson knew he had no right to ask for any more of Anna's time not after all, she had done for him and his wife of late. They had taken up far too much time of every ones - or he had any way. Elsie had not – every minute dedicated to her had been required.

But Charles had to do something – and he did not trust himself to do so alone.

"I know I have no right to ask is of you, but you see... when Elsie leaves hospital tomorrow, she has requested I bring her skirt and blouse for her to change into, which, of course, I am going to do – but I was trying to think of a present to get for her anyway, and I have had an idea..."

XXX

When Elsie looked back on the night before, she realised that for the first time since he had got back from London, she and her husband had felt secure enough to make some plans. After the two of them had been told he was going to be able to take her home, she had sent him back to the Abbey with some of the clothes she was not going to need again and added the ones she was going to want for the journey home to the list.

He had been gone a little longer than what she had thought he was going to be but when he had got back to her side; he had had such a smile on his face. And he had spoken about a holiday to the sea side. And the season. And Christmas.

And all of the things that their lives were made up of.

And it struck her that she was alive – after all that worry, she was going to live. She was going to live on with Charles by her side. The two of them had many years left together yet.

And she was going to make sure they enjoyed them – they were both going to make sure of that.

As she sat in the chair waiting for him, dressed, she shut her eyes. She had no doubt she was going to be exhaust when she got back to her own room.

And what a treat it was going to be to sleep in that room. With her own husband if she had her way.

As she heard footsteps approaching the room, she smiled. She would know that foot fall in hell or heaven.

"I am ready to go," she said as Charles came into the room. She did not even give him time to say hello to her before she stood up.

Yet before she could put her coat on she was caught in his arms.

Yes, she thought to herself. She would delay leaving to allow him to hold her for a while.

Though she knew he was still holding back for fear of hurting her, she could feel him pulling her into him.

"Oh Charles."

This was what he had dreamt he was going to be able to do when he had been coming home from London in the motor car.

Drawing back, he took her hands and kissed them.

"Good morning, darling," he said to her as he gathered himself.

"It is a good morning, isn't it?" she said with a smile. She had been delighted to see the good weather of the past few days had spread over to the day she would return. She was looking forward to going back out into the sun. But that was not the reason it was so wonderful.

"Yes. The doctor has seen you and said we can go?" he checked, enjoying the sight of her fully dressed and out of her night gown. It made her seem even better than he had thought her the day before.

"He came at nine o'clock. Charles, take me home."

He nodded. "That I will do – but before I do, I want to give you something."

Stepping back to the door, she noted for the first time that he had brought a bag in with him, from which he pulled out a parcel. It was exquisitely wrapped. Anna, no doubt.

Passing it to her, Charles smiled. "I just saw it in the village – and it made me think of you."

Sitting back down in the chair she had occupied for most of the morning, Elsie felt through the paper something soft. It was material.

She glanced at her husband as she finally undid the wrapping and opened it up.

"Oh Charles," she sighed as she pulled out the shawl which he had given her. It was so very beautiful, the dark blue design stunning on the heavy red material. Instantly, she wrapped it round herself, because she longed to see how it looked and felt on. And as she did so she realised an ulterior motive Charles had had for giving her this particular gift.

Because if she let it hung loosely about her, the operation and her recent ordeal was far less obvious. In fact, if she hung it around herself correctly, if she wanted too, she could disguise it entirely.

Blinking back tears, she looked at him. "You can be awfully thoughtful. Have I told you that?"

"I just – Elsie, I – _sweetheart_." He muttered as his own tears sprung.

She nodded. "It has been a horrible week but this is a lovely way to end it. Take me home now."

Nodding, he picked up her hospital bag, put his other arm about her waist, kissed her cheek and together, they left the room.

XXX

The ride back to Downton was quite comfortable. Charles had requested that once more they be allowed to use of the motor car so that Elsie would not have to strain herself with the walk back. The countess had agreed instantly.

As Downton Abbey came into sight, Elsie did not think she had ever been so glad to see it.

It was home - her home. It was where she had met Charles and where the two of them had spent and passed so many years together.

Had it really not been two weeks before that she had fallen down on the drive, imagining the very worse? She had thought that she was never going to get another chance to see her husband or to be herself again.

It had been the end. And now, once she was well again, of course, she was going to find herself at a beginning. She and Charles were at a wonderful beginning. The two of them were at the beginning of a married life. A real married life where the two of them were going to be able to love in the open.

"From now on, I am going to tell the staff to refer to me as Mrs Carson," she said to her husband.

Charles smiled ear to ear. "Mrs Carson indeed."

As they came to the end of the drive they had been expecting, of course, to go straight to the servants entrance. But if they had thought the Crawley's were going to allow them to sneak in unnoticed then they had better think again.

"Oh my," Elsie exclaimed as she saw the earl and his wife come out the front door to met them as they came to a halt. Charles helped her out the car.

"Are you ok?" he whispered to her tentatively.

"I am, my love."

"Oh, how good it is to see you home at last, dear Mrs. Hughes," said Cora as she stood receiving her as if she was a duchess.

"It is quite lovely to be home," she admitted and gave her husband a knowingly look. Better that they corrected the staff as to how she was to be addressed from now on first than the family.

"Come inside. We are going to insist you have your tea in the library with us," Robert told her – "as long as you are not too tired."

Mrs Carson looked to her husband as she shook her head. "No, I think a cup of tea is in order. Very much so actually, thank you, milord."

It was nice to be home but there were a few elephants in the room as they took their seats in the library and Elsie was aware of that.

Over their tea, she asked a lot of questions over what had been going on the house, and in spite of feigned protests that she was not to worry about any of that yet, it was not long until she was getting the answers she wanted. As much as she did not love the family as her husband did, she did love the house. That she would allow. She had lived here since she was a young girl and it had been her life's worked. Of course she loved it and worried about it when she was gone. She wanted to know what she had missed.

"Carson, I know you will of course requires time to take care of Mrs. Hughes-" begun the earl after the conversations about the dinners coming up over the next months came to a natural end – "but I wondered very much if you would mind looking over the diary with me later today. There are a few things I wish to arrange."

"Naturally my lord," Charles smiled.

So it begun, Elsie mused.

Before long the two men were talking about something at his lordship's desk while Mrs. Carson sat with her ladyship.

"Oh there was another matter I wanted to see you about, both of you about – " Robert said as he turned to include the housekeeper in the conversation. "Something her ladyship and I were talking about."

"And that is?"

"Your sleeping arrangements. I can't think that you wish to remain in separate rooms now that the truth is out."

"No, my lord." Elsie answered for herself and for her husband. "We do not."

"You are home but we are under orders from Doctor Clarkson that for at least eight weeks you are to be a lady of leisure. And we both had an idea that for the next few months, you might appreciate a little extra comfort, Mrs Hughes," Cora added with a gentle smile. Elsie realised if she was to be berated for her silence, it was going to be on another day.

"It would not go amiss, milady," Charles nodded as Elsie looked down at her hands.

"Well then," the Countess of Grantham said with a smile on her face as she got up. "Follow me."

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	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The Somerset Bedroom sat in the east corner of the house, and was situated nearest to the servant's quarters of all the guest rooms. Yet just because it was so close to those who served the family did not mean it lacked anything in comfort or style.

The four poster bed dominated the room and at the top of it three red pillows took pride of place. A matching duvet and throw covered the bed. Against the pale walls of the otherwise neutral room, the bed was prominent, a bold and a beautiful object in itself.

The windows, as did all in Downton Abbey, offered a breathe taking view of the grounds. For miles, all the eye could see were all things lush and green, growing in the spring sun.

"We thought if it was good enough for a solider of His Majesty forces to recover in, then it is good enough for any housekeeper of ours to convalesce in," said Cora as she smiled at the butler and his speechless wife.

Whatever she had thought her mistress was going to do, she had not thought she was going to lead her to one of the upstairs bedrooms and say she was going to be able to stay there until she was better. She knew her ladyship could be thoughtful... but it had not been expected.

"This – this is very kind of you your ladyship, and your lordship," she said.

"Well, we did not want you to be coped up downstairs while you recover. You'll get more light in here and be less tempted to begin work again," the Earl of Grantham smiled.

"This is so very considerate," Charles smiled.

"Yes," Elsie nodded. It was, and far more than she had ever expected. Sitting down on the bed, she swallowed. Charles was the one who worshipped the Grantham's, not her.

"We are very grateful," the butler said as he went over to her wife and put his hands on her shoulders. The journey may have not been a long one but it had been long for a woman who had been through what Elsie had.

"We'll give the two of you a little privacy now," Robert said as he nodded to his wife, nothing Mrs Hughes was emotional.

"Feel free to make this room your own," Cora said as she walked to the door. "And Carson, I do not want to see you in your uniform either today or tomorrow."

And with that the lord and lady of the house left Charles and Elsie in the room which for at least the next two months was going to be theirs.

For the first time since they had got there, she looked up.

Ever since she had been a housemaid she had been putting fresh sheets on this bed for guests of the Grantham's.

She would never have dreamed that...

"They really have been very good to me, throughout this," she sighed as she blinked. Their generosity was going to take some getting used to. "As have all the staff. And you."

Setting by her side he put an arm about her and kissed her forehead.

"Just catch your breath," he told her softly, removing the hat she had worn home.

It was not long until Elsie was sitting on the bed, still wrapped in her shawl with her back supported by soft pillows. She had not realised how uncomfortable the hospital bed was – not that she could have ever found a suitable attitude for lying in comfort to start with.

"I think I am going to get used to sleeping in a big double quickly," she said to Charles as he lay beside her.

"I do hope so," he replied as he bent over and kissed her forehead.

It seemed to her he was unable to stop kissing her that day – not that she minded.

Reaching up, she wrapped her fingers about his jacket, pulled him a little closer and held on, letting out a depth breathe.

"It is going to be so lovely sleeping next to you tonight," she smiled.

"I wish the sun was setting already."

XXX

After the two of them had enjoyed a cuddle, Charles forced himself to tear away from Elsie for a moment. They only did in the end because there was a knock on the door and a rather excited Daisy had brought as tea tray up for Elsie.

"Mrs Patmore says I am going to get one a ladies maid of sorts until you are better," said Daisy with a smile as she poured the tea.

"Well, I do not know if I am going to need you to do my hair," Elsie sighed as she took the tea cup from the kitchen. "But I dare say you can bring me plenty of these."

"Gladly. We're that happy you're home."

"Well, I will be down to see everyone some time tomorrow," she said to her.

"There are all going to be made up over that."

"I had better get back downstairs," said Daisy as she bobbed to her two elders and left them on their own once more, smiling to one another.

"I think the two of us are going to have to face up to the fact she has a lot more grit than we have realised," Charles told his wife.

Elsie smiled. She knew that face. She had a feeling her husband had a new favourite. "Yes, I am going to try and get her to tell her all about her adventures in London."

"That girl has quite a tale to tell."

"I am very grateful to her."

The two of them looked at one another.

Charles nodded. "Right, I am going to go down to our rooms to try and collect out belongings. If we are going to make this room our own then it must have our own things in it."

Elsie sighed as he went off, having ducked out of _that_ conversation. The one that they had been avoiding.

She did not know if she blamed him. The two of them had just got home – and he was often one to go round the back road than tackle his problem head on. She could give him some peace.

The day passed more happily than the ones had when she had been in hospital. Anna and Mrs. Patmore both came up once she had been settled and she was glad to see the two of them. It made a difference that she was not in hospital. When they had been back in that room they had all been so long in the face but now they clearly felt as if the two mile journey meant she was able to laugh more again – she didn't know how far that was off the mark either.

"I am going to have to do an order from the store cupboard tomorrow," Mrs Patmore said to her friend tentatively just before she left the room.

Elsie nodded.

She had to admit it was even harder than she had thought it was going to be to lay in bed at Downton once people spoke about work. Had she been home four hours yet?

"I can come down and help you if you want."

"Absolutely not, I think if you did go downstairs to work then Mr. Carson would put a bill through parliament to send me to the gallows. I am telling you this as a courtesy, nothing more."

But back in her place, Elsie nodded. There was really very little else to do.

"You know during the war I thought you were a terrible patient," Elsie said to her husband as she lay in bed after dinner. "I am learning now to eat my words."

"It has been a hard weeks laying down for you, considering how active your normally are, my dear."

"I know – but I feel as if now I am home – "

"Elsie, if you do not rest then I will take you back to Doctor Clarkson myself."

She gave a little laugh, hoping he was joking but that was something she could not be sure of that, given the look on his face. They had come so far that she knew he was not going to allow her to undo any of the good work they had done to get her to this stage.

It came as no surprise to the housekeeper that her husband wanted an early night, not just for her to get the rest that she required but so that he was able to sleep as well. Thus as eight thirty came around and Daisy came to take their dinner trays back to the kitchen, the two set about the business of getting ready for the bed, washing and changing.

After the kitchen maid had wished the two of them a good night's sleep, Charles got out the pyjamas from his new draw.

"It does feel weird does, it not?" Elsie asked, ignoring the book in her hands for a while. "To sleep in a room twice the size of our two put together downstairs."

"I am not entirely comfortable with it but I am sure I can get used to it."

"At a push, no doubt you can," she smiled.

He knew he was and he knew he was never going to alter. He was a man who did not like surprise. He was a man who did not like change.

Well, there had been more than enough of that in his life of late.

And he was not sure if he approved of staff sleeping in upstairs bedroom even now. Not for himself any way.

And then he remembered that that night he was going to get to sleep next to his very much loved wife – who was also very much alive... in a very large, comfortable double bed. Yes, he could set aside his scruples.

Elsie watched, peeping over her book as her husband changed for bed, pulling on his stripped pyjamas. She did not know why it made her smile that night – but it did. She so rarely got to watch him change. They always did that apart. But there was something about his unwillingness to leave her for just a moment that touched something inside of her.

A glance downwards was enough to kill any real passion in her. She did not feel in the least ready to be Charles's wife in all manners yet.

But if she had been well – she would gladly have allowed Charles his martial rights that night. She so wanted him...

Charles was a rather wonderful lover, or at least so she thought. Who ever knew there was another such side to such a cantankerous old man? But he was and it was not just that he was the most tender man in the world... it was that he was considerate too.

Shaking such thoughts out of her head as he hung up his clothes, she set her book asides and watched with delight as he finally turned to the bed, opened the covers and climbed in next to her.

He let out a contented sigh.

"You look tired," she noted the bags under his eyes. Maybe it was that he was relaxing at last but they looked more prominent tonight.

Reaching over, she cupped his cheek with one of her hands and caressed it with her hand. They could stop her being a house keeper all they liked: she was not so sure how much she cared at the end of the day.

But now she was home, as much as she could, as ever, she would take care of her husband. No one could stop her from being his wife. No one would ever stop her doing that for no one could stop what's natural. And worrying about him and wanting to take care of him was what was natural to her.

"Nothing six hours in bed won't cure," he shrugged it off as he put his arm about her carefully, eager to hold her close but exactly so that he would not cause her discomfort. As soon as she understood his intention, she worked with him and was soon leaning into him. It did not entirely work for she was suddenly more aware of the pain than she had been all day. But it was worth it...

"I've missed this. I've missed you, my love," she bit her lip.

He smiled. He understood what she meant – just what she meant. They had been alone so much of late but it felt as if the two of them had been on some sort of stage – there had always been prying eyes about and it had not been a them somehow. Keeping things private was not the same as shame... pushing his lips to her forehead, he lingered as she came even closer.

Covering her hand with his own he smiled and then pulled it to his lips so he could kiss the gold band that symbolised everything that was good and his in a life that was not entire his own.

"I know you're not a great one for sentimentality, Elsie..."

"No, I am not."

"And I know you don't need telling how much you mean to me."

"I do not."

"But I adore you, Elsie."

"I know."

"And I love the fact that you don't have to take this off any more," he said as he looked at her wedding ring.

"Indeed. I am the secret Mrs Carson no more."

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	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Three weeks of convalescing was beginning to make Elsie a little irritable.

The first week had been peaceful. She had been so, so happy to be home, and she was so happy to be with those she considered to be her family: Daisy, Anna and Mrs Patmore. And the world she and Charles shared behind closed doors was the most important thing in the world to her.

She had always known that was the truth but her health scare had made her face up to the fact it really was key to her world...

The two of them were yet to enjoy a night of passion, but she was beginning to adjust, if not to accept, what her body was now. As long as she was alive, she didn't mind much she found. She could disguise it to others – and she felt as if she was beginning, just starting, to begin to find a way past what had happened.

The Countess of Grantham and she had had a long conversation... it had been painful for her to release that even if she did not worship the family who she work for, they did hold her in high regard.

As only a countess could, she told her how hurt _she_ had been by her silence while simultaneously telling her how glad she was it had all worked out for the best in the end and had done it in such a way Elsie could not even be angry with her.

If she had not told him who was all in the world to her, she was hardly likely to tell her employer was she?

Thinking of Charles though, she did find it rather irritating that while she and her lady had had such a discussion, Charles continued to skirt round the way that he had found out she was unwell.

Some days she wondered if it didn't matter to him and if he was truly over it. If he had just processed it in his own mind and now the two of them were over it.

But it did not seem likely. Charles was a man who liked to know everything that was going on – especially everything that was going on with her.

And if it was the other way round, then she sure as would not have forgiven so easily or forgotten.

"I know after all the two of us have been through, he does not want us to fight – but..."

Beryl Patmore looked at the house keeper as she stood rolling out the pastry for that nights dinner. For the past week or so, a walk downstairs had been part of Elsie's daily route.

She had convinced her employers that she could no longer just lay down all day, even if she did have to for some of it.

"So antagonise him, pick a fight, bring it out of him, kicking and screaming if you have to."

"I couldn't do that. Not when he has been so very good to me."

"Elsie, do not be a 'Daisy' over this. You very much can do it if you really want to clear the air."

And she so did. She did not want there to be a thing in the world between the two of them. Not when in every other way, she and her husband were closer than they had ever been before.

Beryl had a point. If she Charles were at odds it was going to be a lot easier to at last draw him into talking about it. When the two of them were alone and at peace it was far too tempting for the two of them to keep and enjoy the blissful peace of their love.

And so she knew all she had to do was to pick her moment and take it.

It did not take long to come.

Four weeks and three days after she had come home from hospital, Elsie was in her sitting room. And in it a lot longer than her husband thought she ought to be.

"You came down here two hours ago," he said as he noted the light in her office was still on and burst in to the room.

He was indignant – and that was going to be a help to her she thought.

"Yes and I am still here now."

"That is my point exactly."

"If I could trust you and Mrs. Patmore to keep me _informed _then I would be upstairsd," she said as she rustled unknown papers on her desk.

"What on earth do you mean?"

"The dinner this weekend for Viscount Braxton as well as Sir Anthony. _Why I was not informed?_ Especially as he is Lady Edith's suitor now," she continued.

"We just did not think that you needed to be troubled by it."

"Mr. Carson, there is a big dinner going on in our house and it is given for one of them men who intends to marry a daughter of this house. Of all the things, _you should have told me_!" she said to him even though she knew the words threatened to catch in her throat.

Oh Charles, I hope you understand my darling...

"You! Told you! Told you about a stupid dinner," he said and she watched his face crumble. She knew that had been what she had been going for really but she had not thought it was going to hurt as much as it did when it hit the spot. His looked...

She glanced down and then back up at him and she saw a thousand thoughts cross his face.

"We need to talk about this," she said to him gently. "Charles, I did not mean to hurt you."

And he knew that. She knew he did. But whether it made a lot of difference at that moment she was not so sure.

"We can do it later on," he said as he left the room. Well, she had to give him that. There was going to be no getting back to it when he came up to their room though.

But the place for an altercation was not in her sitting room or his pantry.

The rest of the day was not too pleasant for any of the downstairs staff – and for that, Elsie was sorry.

Charles was not very good at hiding his displeasure nor had he ever been so when the staff sat down for their dinner there was a real atmosphere. Elsie tried to show her displeasure at her husband but she had a feeling his annoyance matched hers.

"Your mood at dinner was not necessary," Elsie said her husband as he came up at last. She had gone up as soon as she had eaten but he had stayed down and longer than he had to she knew. He had rushed to bed for so many nights to see her that she knew when he was staying away.

"I could not help it," he said as he took off his jacket and then removed his bow tie. Then he turned to her sharply. "How dare you, Elsie?"

"Because I had to do something to get you talking to me about it. Charles, we have been so close lately... I just need us to talk about this. I need to say sorry."

She saw it on his face he had been dreading this moment. That he had been putting it off because he had known it was going to hurt him. She had kept something so very important from him and of course it stung.

She knew it stung.

"You said all you need too in your letter."

"You're expressions and your words do not match, my love."

Getting up from the bed she went over to him.

"I cannot say a lot more than I did at the time but – the reason I did not tell you had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that I was so afraid of what was about to happen to me."

Putting her hands on his chest she forced her husband to look at her.

"I would have stayed no matter what you had said if I knew. I would have protected you – as much as I could, which was not at all," he said as he looked at her. "When I was in London I knew something was wrong. I knew it," he admitted to her.

"Charles, this is what I really need to say to you. I am sorry. I am so sorry for what I put you through."

"Don't say sorry. It matters not."

"Of course it does. It would if it was the other way round," she told him with no mistake. "If you were sick and you did not let me be there to hold you , I would make sure you suffered for it later," she said to him as she raised her eyebrows and tried to get him to open up to her in ways she knew he had too.

As he let out a big sigh, she saw that he was trying to think of what to say next and how to response to her.

"You know it is not the fact that you did not tell me – well it is. It is the fact I am never going to be able to unfeel what I did in that car on the way back from London," he said as he gritted his teeth. "if the day ever comes when we are apart, which I pray it will not," he said to her, "and you are told I might die... god Elsie, it was – it was as if the – it was the ending of the world."

She remembered when she had looked at him as he slept, he had looked very much like a young boy – and so did he then.

Cupping his face she brought him closer. "I pray you never feel as empty as I did at that moment and – Elsie, when I think of what you have been through for me to burden you with the way I feel is so selfish."

"I want you to burden me with the way that you feel. I did not marry you so that you might remain shut off from me. And do not think of what I have been through now, Charles, I am handling that - at least today I am. My love, let be your wife. Let me worry over the way you are feeling."

Putting her arms around him, Elsie wrapped Charles in her embrace as she wanted to for days. There had not been a lot said and she did not know how much of a difference it was going to make.

Until she felt him begin to shake.

She had seen her husband eyes tear up more than once since she had returned to his side – and yet he had seemed to get a grip on his emotions since the day she had returned home. She did not think she was able to count the number of times he had held her in his arms as she had sobbed over what had happened to the two of them.

But now it was the other way round - guiding him to the bed, she sat the two of them down and then held him close to her.

"Oh god Elsie, if I had lost you I do not know what would have become of me."

She told herself deep down he would have been fine. She was sure he would have bounced back. But the ache in his voice was audible.

"Flattery will get you so far," she said as she held him, rocking her darling back and forward. "I love you so – you darling, soppy man. Charles, I never meant to hurt you if I did."

"Please never put me through a morning like that again."

"That, my darling I can promise you. No more secrets. Not ever."

After he had changed and got ready for bed, Charles joined Elsie in a sheepish and exhausted state. Once more, she took him in her arms, stroking his hair and soothing him to sleep, cradling his head to her chest.

For the first time, she realised it did not hurt her to hold him close.

XXX

"You can take that off right now," said Charles.

Mid morning, six weeks after his wife's return from hospital, he had returned to their room to find her stood in front of the mirror, dressed for work.

"Would that be for your pleasure or mine?" she teased. A triumphant smile spread across her features as she threw him off guard.

There was no question in her own mind that she was not ready to go back to work. Not the long hours she did usually.

But she had begun to wonder if she was still going to feel comfortable in her old dress. And the answer was she did. She felt so very comfortable. This was who she was.

It was as if nothing had changed when she looked into the mirror. She was still who she was. The operation had changed her but it had not taken her.

She was still Downton's house keeper. And she was still Charles wife and she begun to release that she was soon going ready to be his wife in all ways.

She did not feel as –

"I just mean to say you are still on rest for another two weeks," he told her as he smiled.

"I know what you mean to say, but I - I am bored. And I am coming back downstairs with you so that I can at least get on top of the paper work and do some orders. So no. I am not going to take this off," she said as she brushed passed him and walked out in to the corridor.

She felt for her keys and to find them on her belt and smiled. She knew it was going to take a little longer for everyone to stop treating her as if she was ill.

But in truth, in herself, she felt as if she was back.

XXX

"Beryl, can you come into my sitting room please?" asked Elsie as she saw the cook had a moment to spare.

"Gladly if there I a cup of tea in there for me," she said as she wiped her brow.

Elsie did not know if it was just her but she was sure that the cook looked a lot thinner than when she had gone into hospital. No doubt that was as a result of the fact she had been doing so much more than when Elsie had gone in. No one was going to say that the cook had not been a very busy women.

The cook collapsed in to the chair. "Oh, it is good to my feet up for a moment."

"No doubt it is - and please take as long as you want. But all I want to say to you is – _thank you so much_. For what you did for me, opening my letter to Charles. I do not think I would have thanked you at the time but the truth is hindsight is a wonderful thing."

Beryl gave a nod as the house keeper poured her a tea. "And I am very glad you are still here to have it."

"As am I. I was in a very unhappy place, but I am not any more. And I have come to appreciate a lot more too..."

She had come to appreciate a lot of things more than she had before. She appreciated her husband, her friends, her job. Herself.

"It is very good to see you looking so well."

"It is good to feel so well," she said with a nod. "I have got the doctors next week to check I really am in the all clear and then I am going to be officially well again."

But she felt as if it was just a formality.

The cook and the housekeeper had their tea together and spoke about the house while they did it. It was not going to be long now until the season and the two of them agreed that Daisy should go with the family this time. Though perhaps an expense that was not strictly necessary, Elsie felt sure she was going to be able to stretch the budget for it – and really, it was the least the girl deserved.

"As for you," she sighed as she reached for her keys. Carefully, she detached the store cupboard one from the rest of the bunch.

"Do not make me regret it Mrs. Patmore."

"I won't, Mrs Carson," she said as she looked at the key as if it was her firstborn. "Thank you. Thank you very much. If I had known all I had to do was opening Mr Carson's post to get it, I would have done it years ago."

_Please review! _


	10. Chapter 10

**3x05 Spoilers in the Author note at the end guys! **

**Chapter 10**

"Charles, I think you are more nervous than I am," said Elsie as she straightened her hat. At long last, the day had come when she and Charles were going to get the result of her newest set of tests.

Her husband did not know how far that comment was off the mark. He knew this was her moment – but she knew the way she was feeling. And that made her confident. It made her sure things were going to go her way. He had no such gage for himself.

"I just want to know it is over for good," he said as he turned to her.

He looked so very scared, she thought to herself.

"It is going to be. You and I have more than had our ration of bad luck."

As their eyes met she saw that was not a lot of comfort to him. As much as he did have faith in her ,she had a feeling he was not going to trust what she was saying until he had heard she was ok from a doctor.

Taking his hands, she sighed. "Shall we go my love?"

He knew they had to go. And if she had the strength to face the day then so did he, but...

"Yes. Let's go and get you in the all clear," he said with more confidence than he felt as he leant in to kiss those lips he loved so much.

"Good luck," Beryl called to them as they passed the kitchen. The two women shared a smile before the Carson's passed out of the kitchen area and out into the grounds.

He had said to her he was sure he was going to be able to get the car from his lordship if she wanted a lift down, but the truth was the two of them had to get used to being servants once more she thought to herself with pursed lips. No one was going to say the Crawleys had not treated her with the up most kindness and respect while she was indisposed, but she was not any more. And she had never been one to take liberties.

Besides, there were many worse ways she could think of than to go down the village on the arm of her husband. Of course, she wished it was for another occasion but beggars could not be choosers she supposed.

"Whatever comes," Charles muttered quietly, as they came to stand outside of the cottage hospital. "I cannot say how proud I am that you are my wife Elsie. And whatever we hear when we got through those doors, we will face it together."

"That is a comfort to me, my love." Elsie squeezed Charles' hand. "Well – standing out here is not going to let me know if I am well again, is it?" – and with that, the Carson's went inside – and heard Elsie's fate.

XXX

Beryl Patmore did not need to be told the news when the Carson's returned. Not in so many words any way. There slightly reddened cheeks suggested they had popped into the Grantham Arms on their return journey. Both had huge smiles on their faces. It was quite apparent that their hearts were so full they were in danger of over flowing.

Beryl offered a smile with raised eye brows before she returned to work.

"Alls well that ends well, Daisy. Alls well that ends well," she said to her assistant.

XXX

When Charles came into her sitting room after supper one night later that week, Elsie knew he was in a good mood. The giveaway was not the smile on his face when he came into the room but the fact that it had been humming rather than footsteps which had announced his arrival.

"If you were the only girl in the world," he whispered to her as he came and stood behind her. "And I were the only boy..."

"What do you want?" she asked turning around.

"What a lovely way to greet your loving husband," Charles recoiled with mock hurt on his face.

"Charles, if you had not noticed I am well once more. I may not have had the strength to protest against your singing to me when I was unwell," she teased "but-"

"As if you would dare," he muttered lowly. Crouching down by her side, he kissed her nose before drawing back. "Come walk with me?"

Sighing heavily in pretend protest, she nodded. "Very well."

Wrapping her new and favourite shawl about herself, she took her husband arm and together, they set off. Neither asked the other where they were going.

They knew.

Arriving at the rose garden, Elsie sighed happily. "I do so love this time of year, with the evenings growing long."

"As do I. It makes the day longer somehow."

"It does – speaking of long days though, on Friday, we are all getting a night off."

"Yes, his lordship said they were off to Loxley. Sir Anthony is giving a dinner in his lordships honour."

Their eyes met. "Barely Charles. We all know whose honour it is in. His lordship just happens to be invited because he is Lady Edith's father." The two of them smiled at one another.

"He is going to cherish her, all his life long."

"So he should. Lady Edith grew up in the war and is a good woman."

"Yes. Yes, she is. It is a good match."

"Though perhaps not quite as good as ours," she sighed as the two of them paused to look at the flowers in bud.

Charles enjoyed the view as Elsie smile at them, the signs of new life thrilling her. He had a feeling this summer would be, if only for the two of them, particularly beautiful.

"We are going to have to talk his lordship and her ladyship about where we are to go now," he reminded her. She stood up, looking quite put out. "It is as you said, you're better. The Somerset bedroom was only ever a loan."

"I suppose," she nodded, placing her hand back in the crook of his arm. "But where are we to go? Not back to the old arrangement?"

"No, we are man and wife. I think we can reasonably demand to share a room," Charles said. "How about a cottage in the estate?"

"Well, I would not say no to my own garden. But – would it not be like putting ourselves on the shelf? We are house keeper and butler at Downton Abbey. We have to live in the house... a cottage is a lovely idea."

"But not for a couple of years yet?"

"My thoughts exactly."

The two of them nodded in unison. There would be no decision that evening – it was a topic best left for another day.

After they had watched the sun begin to fall from the sky and felt the breeze pick up, Charles and Elsie returned to the house, the butler going to finish the little work he had to do. Knowing his wife was waiting for him, by ten thirty he had locked up and headed upstairs.

Elsie had indeed waited up for him, book in hand, though the pages unturned from where she had picked it up near an hour ago. Rather than get under the covers as she was like too normally, she had waited on top of it for him. She watched as he removed his bow tie and his jacket and undress. And then as he dressed in his pyjamas.

She flushed scarlet as she wondered why he had bothered and as he approached the bed, she put her book to one side. She had never thought she was going to feel this way again. And it was thanks to medicine and him that she did.

But mostly him. She did not think she had ever met another man who would care so tenderly for her as he had over the past few months.

She was not the type to say it out loud. He was the one who was big on sentimentality. But she did not think she knew what she would have done without her Charles.

"Well, my darling, another day is done," he said as he laid down and turned off the lamp by the bed.

Not quite, she thought to herself.

He rolled over and took her in his arms as he had done every night since they had been installed in that bedroom. Their lips collided tenderly for their good night kiss before he showed all the signs of being content to merely hold her. As he had always been. But she was not content to simply be held. Not that night.

Shifting closer to him still she cupped his cheek and caressed it with her thumb. His eyes had already begun to close his eyes when she touched him – but it clear that simply action drove all thoughts of sleep away. This was not part of their nightly routine.

"Elsie?" he questioned before being silenced by her lips. She kissed him. Not as he was used to being kissed these days either.

It was deep and passionate and before he knew it, his restraint was gone and he was kissing her back like a teenage lad with his very first sweetheart... how he had longed for her... His hands ran searchingly over her body, her arms, her back, her stomach. Until they got to her breasts. A sensitive area and he felt her freeze for just a moment.

"I do not mean to push you, my darling. We do not have to do this if you are not ready."

"Charles Carson, who initiated this? Of course, the first time is going to take some getting used to again. But I do not want to wait any more. I love you so much – and I _want_ you so much."

_Please want me too..._

It was quite apparent that he did, she thought. His lips could say the polite gentlemanly thing – but other bodily functions gave him away, quite involuntarily she was glad to see... feel. She was desirable still to him.

"You're quite sure, Elsie?" he asked in between kisses.

"Positive."

"Well, then... do you remember in your letter, you said our nights together in Margate made you blush when you recalled them, my darling sweetheart?"

"I may have written something of the sort," she said, pausing, quite unsure why he had chosen to bring that up right then as she helped remove his pyjama top. It would be sweet to lie skin on skin with him once more.

"Well, I promise you this. They won't after tonight."

Elsie spent the next day red cheeked as she recall how he had kept his promise.

**_The End._**

_Please review!_

**Author Note:** I am rubbish at writing lemons so I thought I'd best leave that nights -_ events_ - to your imaginations Chelsie shippers. Thanks to all who have read and reviewed this fic. It has been lots of fun to write; especially the fluff and I will miss it. It grew and grew as I wrote it which is the best way sometimes (the original plan was a one shot to be done within the week – 10 chapters and a month later...).

I hope the fluff helps heal some hearts after Sunday. Though we had the beautiful Elsie/Charles hand hold, I must say I am still in mourning and will be for a while. Anyway, I digress.

A very big thank you again to all of you!


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